It's soooooo F*ckin' Cliche...

Guess what my #1 New Year's resolution is? Get healthy and lose a crapload of weight. I want to accomplish several other things over the course of 2006, but weight is my most important thing. Anyone who knows me fairly well realizes that this is one thing that I have struggled with for YEARS. Here is the ugly, honest account of the childhood of a fat kid:

- I realized I was a bigger than other kids in kindergarten
- the various and numerous comments from strangers and relatives about my weight and my plans for losing it (ummm, thanks, apparently they believed that Katieland is devoid of mirrors)
- Attempted and failed practically every diet known to man
- lost and gained enough weight to boggle my mind, let alone yours

I could go on, but I have decided not to bore you. Here's the bottom line: I'm trying again and I have the new determination that I would like to live past the age of 35. I come from a family that has managed to create a genetic link to most every disease known to man. It is amazing that I am still kicking to this day.

A little too honest people, but that's the way it is.

The New Year's Eve Plan

This is what I am doing to usher in the new year:

I am writing down all of the crappy things that have happened this year on separate pieces of paper. All the bad things, thoughts, deeds, actions, etc. Starting a small, controlled fire, and burning each one. Kind of a cleansing ritual for 2006. This is my way of starting off the year fresh and open for new things and bettering myself. Cheers!

That's me. What are/did ya'll do for the holiday?

Here's the big secret

I am here to let you people know something really important. Although I love holidays (as evidenced by my constant harping about Christ's birthday) there are a couple that I find extremely overhyped and I refuse to participate one year longer. The first holiday on my list? New Year's Eve. This is the night. You know, the one that is supposed to be loads of fun and crazy. Bullsh*t. All you end up doing is getting yourself excited and dressed up for some lame party that never lives up to its hype and you end up wishing you had stayed in your p.j.'s and relaxed at home. This year I am skipping all of this and hanging with a few friends in my p.j.'s, watching movies, getting drunk on alcohol I bought myself and didn't pay a 100% markup on, and being low key. That's it. This is my way to avoid getting all excited about stuff that won't happen. It's the perfect plan. I can't be disappointed. Do what you want, but I suggest just letting things happen as they may and be excited about the little things.

I alluded to this earlier, but I have a special plan for the holiday. I am not ready to reveal my idea just yet, but I am going to keep everyone updated.

And what did Santa bring you this year?

Well, Santa brought me cold, hard cash. Just what I wanted!! I also got a coffee pot with a timer so the coffee will be made when I get up in the morning - Magic! I also got a pasta pot/steamer combination which I also asked for. I got the Peanuts Christmas cd and the 40th anniversary tribute cd from my brother's girlfriend. It was awesome because I almost bought it earlier in the week. Always good to save money. I got other odds n' ends so Christmas was a success! I hope everyone else had a good holiday as well.

What was your favorite present this year?

No wings, no hands, half a face.

This is what happens when your enterprising father decides to attempt to hang the Christmas angel with the fireplace tongs. This is the type of thing that occurs to men and not women. I would NEVER have thought that precariously clutching the angel between a chosen tool of a fireplace set would be the PERFECT way to get the angel on top of the tree. I think that may be what a ladder is for. But don't ask me, I just visit this place from time to time. Another angel is on top of the tree, but don't get too hopeful. This angel is one that I made circa 1986 out of red crinkly paper, a twist tie, a doily, and a styrofoam ball. I have to admit she looks pretty good on top of our strange tree. A perfect addition to the gimp.

On the tree decorating front, we have abandoned our original idea (my father's, of course) of throwing the lights toward the front of the tree and seeing what happens. My brother and I actually pulled the tree away from the corner and wrapped lights around the entire thing. Coni, Chris' girlfriend, and I put the decorations up and it looks pretty damn good- if I do say so myself. We put a lot of ornaments on, probably close to 200. There are several bare spots (as mentioned in the previous post), but we have lots of icicle decorations and they fill the blank spaces well. If I can find a USB cable for the digital camera I will post a picture. I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday and I will speak or email all of you soon.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah and whatever else anyone is celebrating!

We're getting down to the finish line...

So Christmas is one week away and I am just checking in on everybody. Today, I drove from Birmingham to Nashville with Lee and then I met up at the house with my family and we went to cut down the now infamous Christmas tree. We went to our friend's farm and looked at their trees. Let me set the scene. Our family friends got into growing Christmas trees several years ago and did not really do much investigation into how one goes about accomplishing this task. Apparently, they planted the trees too close together so some of the trees did not get adequate sunlight or room to grow. The trees were also not trimmed during their initial growth so they have, um, interesting shapes. There were more than a few Charlie Brown Christmas trees. Also some really lopsided trees and some trees with branches on just one side. We searched through dozens of trees and finally picked one that was not too bad. It was pretty full and very green. We sawed it down and then hauled it home. We cut off some branches and put it in the tree stand and put it inside.

Have you ever seen National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation? Remember how the tree is a bit too large for the house. Yup. Same problem. We have fairly tall ceilings, but the tree was too big so my brother cut off some of the branches at the top. I don't care if it does look a little gimpy. It's our tree.

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas to me...

Mmmm-mmmm good.

Last Night...

I went out with some friends from school and had a very good time! I drank too much and had a wee hangover this morning, but all in all it was a fun evening. We went to Surin (the local Thai restaurant for those not in the know) and then we went to a local coffee house that serves liquor - you people know I wouldn't be having caffeine that late at night or going to a place where there were no adult beverages - Madness! I think it must have been open mic night and there was this one guy singing who looked like John C. Reilly. It took my friend Rachel B. and I a little while to figure out who he looked like, but that was it. He was dressed in faded blue jeans (circa 1992) and a polo shirt (also circa 1992 or thereabouts). Basically about as white bread as you get. His first song choice? Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues. Quite a study in contrasts. I was waiting for him to launch into Marilyn Manson's Personal Jesus...

There it is.

Well, I finished my last exam and I figure things went fine. I guess I am a graduate. Hmmm.

I would prefer not to study, so...

Tomorrow is my last exam and I don't want to study for it. So I have decided to post about something I observed over the weekend.

I like to watch House Hunters on HGTV. I like to assess people's taste and to see the different kinds of houses that are out there. Anyhoo, I had taped an episode of the show and this couple was looking for a houseboat. Yes, a houseboat. I don't get them. To me they're scary and small. The couple on the show was looking for said houseboat in Seattle and they were planning on using it as a weekend vacation home. The couple's primary home was a showplace and certainly cost several million dollars. The boat they were looking to purchase was going to run them $500,000+. Hmmm. This is when you know someone has too much money. You know what the woman said that she was looking for in a potential houseboat? She wanted "intimacy with the water." I'm not sure what this means, but I don't like it. It makes me nervous that you can go to bed and wake up to find your house on the bottom of a body of water. Well, I guess you wouldn't wake up in case of this event, but you get my drift. Too transient for my tastes. It reminds me of the time that I was interning in this little tiny town in Arkansas and the local bank was in a trailer. In my opinion, anything that can be moved easily should not be the location for anyone's life savings.

Christmas Update #3

Hi Everybody! This is your regular Christmas Check-up. How is everyone coming in their quest to find the holiday spirit? Mine is going quite well. I am maintaining my current level of cheer and raising the bar a tiny bit everyday. I expect the same out of you. Happy Christmas' don't just create themselves. You have to work at it. I want to hear details on everyone's progress. Here's a little story on how my grinch (my dad) almost stole Christmas this year:

I don't get up early as a rule. I have tried to fight this natural instinct and it just ain't working. My family knows this and so do most of my friends. Anyhoo, moving on, I got up to take Teddy for his morning constitutional yesterday (Sat.) at 7:45 because he IS an early riser and his personal needs take precedence, especially if I don't want him to pee inside. As a habit, I usually check my phone when I get up for this quick jaunt outside to see if anyone has called in the night or early in the morning. Most of the times they haven't, and it was no different yesterday. I go back to sleep and finally get my lazy ass out of bed around 11. I check my phone and there is a missed phone call at 8:22 from my brother. I figure something must be up b/c he knows I would be asleep. I call and see what he wanted and it turns out my dad was trying to get him to agree to going ahead and picking out a tree and cutting it down before I got home and the call was to see if I would MIND (btw, we have friends who own a Christmas tree farm and they are letting us pick and cut down our own tree this year - something I have been looking forward to for months). My brother and his girlfriend tried to tell my dad that I would probably mind and they finally talked him out of cutting it down. Good thing. If I had come home and found a Christmas tree already up and decorated (dad's other plan for yesterday) I would have burned that motherf*cker down. period. Good thing for my bro and his girl or I would have been super irritated at dear old dad. Christmas is still intact. Not to worry.

Girls Suck.

Yeah, I know, I'm a girl, but I just wish I could get it together.

What am I talking about?

Not to get too specific (to spare my pride) I just seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. With men, with friends, with everything. I vow to do better, but I just don't. Ugh. What's wrong with me? Oh well. This is why the whole man sabbatical started. Well, here's the big announcement: Man Sabbatical 2005 is officially over. This doesn't mean that I have acted on anything, but people, I've got needs. Here is how 2006 is going to differ from 2005:

-I am going to take better care of myself
-I am going to open myself up to new things
-I am going to put myself out there (hush, you people with dirty minds) I mean I am going to finally act on feelings that I have instead of wishing they would go away
-I am going to seriously LOOK and FIND a REAL job

Here's the catch: When I say that 2006 will differ from 2005 I mean that this will take place as of January 1st. No sooner. I need a break and self improvement can be a drag. After my last exam (Wednesday) I am ON A BREAK. Plus, I've got plans for ringing in the new year.

That's for another post.

two things

1. Why is it that everytime someone goes to a strip club on t.v. the women are wearing something closer to a bikini than their birthday suit. I understand that you can't just show anything on television and that baring certain things is prohibited, but I always think the characters on the t.v. show are just going to crappy strip clubs. Hell, if I'm going to go to some sleazy strip joint there better be somethin' nekkid.

2. I just saw one of the Victoria's Secret Christmas commercials and this brings me to another observation. They (the models) are wandering the streets in tiny little lingerie. People, it's cold out there (in most places around the country) and these women need to put on some jackets or at least a scarf. Also, I love how the people the models pass on the street just look at them like it is normal for amazon-like women to prance around the street in a negligee.

Oh well. Only in America.

Who are we kidding?

Back to an oldie, but goodie...

When I am watching QVC and I see the various the stuff they are peddling, I think to myself "who actually thinks this looks good?" For example, the selection of jewelry is, for lack of a better word...stunning. Not the good kind of stunning. More like: "Good Lord! Apparently Tammy Faye Bakker has come out with her on line of craptacular accessories!" Another thing is the fact that QVC likes to sell things like Diamonique or Platinum-like things. It's fine, if you want to sell fake diamonds, but do they have to look like this? Why not something a little smaller and less Liberace-like...

I have an assignment for everyone: You must spend a couple of minutes today looking at the QVC website. Absolutely Breathtaking!

Observation

Is this not the most pointless endeavor? For those of you who are still in the midst of the fall/winter combo, leaves are everywhere. I find myself watching several landscapers, homeowners, and generally random people wielding the most pointless invention ever: the leaf blower. You just blow the damn things around and that is it. I drove by a guy blowing leaves off of an office park grounds and into the street. I drove by and the wind from my car blew the leaves back onto the grass. Again, he blew the leaves back into the road and once again another car came along and undid all of his pointless work. After a careful assessment I have decided to provide anyone contemplating a leaf blower purchase reasons not to do so:

1. They are just a big broken vacumn cleaner
2. They are horrible for your hearing
3. All they do is blow leaves onto someone else's property
4. They are stupid
5. I mock anyone who owns one or hires anyone to wield such an awful excuse for lawn equipment.

So what have we learned today, class?

here it is, people

The countdown to graduation. For the past few months I have been dreading the last of my college career and the work that would accompany it, but I have really been finishing up a lot of my work (that has turned out to be more busy work than anything) and it occurs to me it is like a lot of other things in my life. I wish that things would come quickly, but when they get here I wish things would slow down.

Don't get me wrong. I want to graduate, but there is a lot that goes along with that.

Is it just me, or were you under the impression (either in high school or early college) that you would magically "know" what you wanted to do when you were done with school?

If someone is reading this and has not graduated from college, I've got some truths for you to swallow:

-You will never "know" when you officially grow up, somehow it just happens
-College does not guarantee that you will be on a career path
*This is the most important*
-Things will work out.

Wisdom from Madame Katie.

Feelin' Social

Taking a page from SGM, I am going to have some guest contributors:

Me: Here we are hanging at my little 'ole apartment and I have several friends over. Beer, Tivo, a bad movie (Melinda and Melinda - whoever said this was a good movie was wrong), and discussing Friendster. I am turning this over to my next guest:

RJ: Well, I'm a big V. This is my first time 'blogging.' Katie assured me it wouldn't hurt, but not to be scared if there's a little blood afterwards. It's natural. Anyways, Katie promised us some Harold and Kumar but she couldn't deliver. It's sort of sad because I was all excited for some hot NPH action, but I guess I'll have to settle for Cartmen, Kyle, Stan and Kenny. So it goes. Well, this wasn't as unpleasant as I feared it might be--plus it only lasted a couple minutes. Later!

SOD (o my!): Katie is a merciless taskmistress. With her, it's just output, with no regard for our well-being. Tonight is good fun, but it pales in comparison to the last outing between Katie and RJ, an all-girls "slumber party" that apparently involved copious quantities of alcohol and partial nudity. Of course, now that there are two members of the male persuasion here, tonight has taken a turn towards the wholesome. Phooey.

JAH: This is what happens when the sober people go first. They say funny and clever things, and then the drunk folks are left to follow with incoherent comments. So, I will spare you all. I am not particulary funny or particularly witty, so I will simply say, in the words of the infamous Parker Posey, "lick me all of you." Just kidding...wouldn't want to be offensive. Peace and love.

ROACH: First of all I have to piss. Like a rachehorse. Moving on, I like to lick yet I think that my friends wouldn't appreciate it for some reason. Maybe it's because I have some sort of ooze dripping forth from my mouth, but that is beside the point. I am the last to go and I have found that this is the position that is the most difficult to perform in. All of the pressure is on you and there is nothing that I can say that will compete with the things that all of these creative people haven't already said. Well hell...I just pissed my pants and I don't think that any of these people realize it yet. It isn't the first time that I've pissed myself as an adult, but I am not proud of that fact. I am just stating fact. Sometimes you just can't control your bladder and you get adult diapers. Thank God for Depends. If it weren't for them then Katie's chair, that is indeed fabric, would be soaked in all of my wetness. So much for having to piss. I think I have shared enough for the next two years, but something is telling me that I will still be sharing more in the near future.

And here it is. These are my friends and I am proud of them. Hope this provided some entertainment. Peace out, M*therf*ckers!

The Hand of God

Well, here it is. Today, I was at my dead end job and I felt the presence of God and he said something akin to "what the hell are you doing?!"

A little background to set the scene. I am terribly afraid of finishing my last semester in school and officially becoming an "adult" (whatever that means). I applied and interviewed for a job and didn't get it. Fine. I have had to tell several people that "no, I did not get the job, but thanks for inquiring." Nothing boosts the ego quite like this, let me tell you. I have not applied anywhere since, despite good intentions. I'm not really sure why, I guess I am just lacking any sort of motivation. So sue me. Now we come to the hand of God.

I found myself at my usual post. I was sitting working on a paper due for class when I was informed that I was expected to make some nametags for an upcoming holiday party. Now, don't get me wrong, you people know I love anything related to the holidays, but this was ridiculous. They (I shall not name names) wanted me to cut out xeroxed copies of a cheap pencil drawing that was oversized, poorly drawn, cheap, and tacky. I cut and pasted these little ugly squares of tastelessness to posterboard and could practically feel myself not living up to my potential. I have made quite a career of not fulfilling expectations, but this was just plain wrong. I am about to have two Masters degrees and I am a glorified kindergartener? Sh*t I was never good at pasting things when I was little and my talents certainly haven't gotten better since. Was this a message from God? Was he trying to convey his utmost disappointment and horror that I am wasting any sort of knowledge on frustrating menial tasks? ugh.

Where did it go so wrong?

The King

I have noticed that several of my last posts have been a bit negative so I have decided to dedicate several future posts to the topic of things I love.

Today's topic: Elvis Presley a.k.a. "The King of Rock n' Roll"

Things I love about Elvis: He was a southerner, great singer, awesome songs, cheesy movies, hot sex (at least between 1953-1971). Mmm-mmm good. I love watching Elvis and Me (tv movie from the late 80s that depicted his life with Priscilla) when it comes on Lifetime or CMT close to his birthday or the date of his death. I know an awful lot about him and he joins a short list of people that I am absolutely FASCINATED by. He was a complex, flawed, generous, caring, conflicted, successful, and talented person - to name a few qualities. I also think I relate to him because he struggled with his weight in his 30s and 40s. He died tragically and has continued to garner fans close to 30 years after his death.

Another movie review...

I saw Walk the Line this weekend and it was great! Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon were awesome and their singing was quite good. I highly recommend this movie to anyone, you don't even have to be a big Johnny Cash fan. It's just a good story. On a related note, I would like to discuss something that this movie made me ponder:

Bad Boys.

Why do we (girls, women, old women, gay men...) love bad boys? Johnny was a bad boy for many years of his life and I gotta say it was a little sexy (maybe not when he was strung out on uppers, but you get my drift). I have always found someone with a little dark side to be quite attractive. Why can't I like nice guys? Why can't you? I think nice guys are overlooked during their 20s and highly sought after in their 30s and 40s. Should I start looking for a nice guy now and settle for nice and not sparks? Hmmm. It is something to think about.

In my heart, I knew it was coming...

As you all have heard, Nick and Jessica are over. I'll admit I'm bummed. I knew that it was going to happen, but I really wanted to believe they would be happy together. I predicted this in the first season of Newlyweds, but I didn't want to see it come to fruition. It's a sad day, my friends (shall we all bow our heads?).
I have already aknowledged that I have an obsession with some celebrities' lives and I take things kind of personally. I know I need to learn to accept the decisions these people make with their own lives, but still...

Farewell, Nick.
Adieu, Jessica.
It will never be the same.

I CAN READ

This is what I feel like shouting to several professors and other people who believe in reading to you. For example, one professor loves to do PowerPoint and then read the slides to you for HOURS. It drives me insane. I have been in school for 246 years and I am quite capable of reading for myself. As Jenny is fond of saying, PowerPoint is a license to be boring. My fellow students are also guilty of reading to people who can do it on their own. Another thing that gets on my nerves is a student droning on and on for 20-30 minutes when the presentation was supposed to last 5-10 minutes at the most. Brevity is a virtue that many people have lost. It is literally like torture to me. Ugh. Sometimes I picture myself piping up in the middle of class with something like "Shut up! Just shut the F*ck up! If you don't shut up, I will kill you. I will torture you like you are torturing me! Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

Ahhh, I feel better already!

Update: Christmas 2005

This is my update for how I am getting prepared for the Christmas season. Thanks to everyone for encouraging my goal for the year.

Here are the Christmas things I have watched on t.v.
1. Major Dad (charming and cheesy sitcom from the early '90s) - a "very special episode" that includes the necessary magic of Christmas and renewed belief in Santa.
2. Beverly Hills, 90210 - (no need for explanation, right?) Episode from season four, the first year "the gang" was in college. Lots of good cheer and happiness. A must see, not the best 90210 Christmas episode, but cute.
3. QVC - I love watching this stuff. They are always talking about Christmas and are decorated for the holidays beginning in September. Super Christmas-y!

Other things I have done to get me in the mood for the holidays:
1. I wear Christmas socks almost every day
2. I wear my Christmas underwear several times a week (I have a lot to pick from)
3. I bought the tackiest, most fabulous Christmas tree (it kind of looks like this picture, but it's red!) for my apartment.
4. I bought an extremely tacky collection of Christmas ornaments to go with my fabulous tree. I will take a picture once it's decorated.
5. I made spiked hot apple cider. Mmmm-mmmm.

What have you done about getting in the mood? If you haven't done anything, you better get going!

Late? Selfish Little Sh*t.

I hate being late.

Late for appointments. Late for work. Late for class. Just plain late.

I was at work today and stuck there for 30 EXTRA minutes because some b*tch didn't leave her house in time to get to work on time. Dammit. I like being early for work so that I am able to take my time and not rush around. I like getting to class early so that I can take care of anything that needs to be accomplished before class. It is selfish and most people who are late tend to do it a lot. Why is it that you can consistently be late, but cannot consistently make an effort to get someplace on time. I think it shows a lack of respect for others and it drives me up the freakin' wall.

So admit it...are you on time or late? Different point of view from mine? Anyone want to play devil's advocate?

The Quacker Factory

After admitting to my love of bad '90s television, I feel like I can admit to just about anything. I like to watch QVC for hours on end during the holiday season. I think it is because it portrays life as you sometimes idealize it. You know, a cheerful fire in the fireplace, perfect Christmas decorations, and pretty gifts that "mom" or "grandma" would just love! Anyhoo, I am getting off of my topic for the day. There is one show that I love the most on this wonderful network. It is called The Quacker Factory and it is a fabulous example of cheesiness and what one can achieve with the Bedazzler. Jeanne Bice is the creator of these incredible clothes that include all of the sweaters that your second grade teacher used to wear for the various holidays of the year. People call in and say things like "quack, quack, Jeanne! I just LOVE your clothes! They're precious! I own all six!"
Examples of her fashion creations (credit to the QVC website - for those of you who are looking for the perfect Christmas gift this year):

A little something for Halloween or for Fall?
or
Teachers?
or
Just damn T-A-C-K-Y?

People, she calls herself the Head Quack. You gotta love it...

Scummy

This is my new catch-all descriptor for boys. I realize it is a generalization and not all boys are scummy, but the majority are and that is a fact of life.

How have I come to this conclusion?

-Although guys and girls are initially attracted to overall appearance and hotness level (don't lie, you know it's true - so don't try that "eyes" or "smile" bullsh*t), girls will usually become more attracted or less attracted based on personality. This is not true for guys - the girl can be an uber bitch, but uber hot and guys will put up with just about anything.
-Don't even get me started on the whole sex thing. I know girls do it too, but it is still more of a guy thing to sleep with anything that moves. And girls are the sluts? whatever.

Thoughts? Am I just being bitter or truthful? Both? (Honestly, I'd probably admit to both)

Viva Nashvegas!

I have just returned from the land of country music, family, and friends! Sorry I haven't updated in several days, but I have been busy seeing old friends and being lazy. Lee, my friend who has commented on this blog several times, just got back from her 3 1/2 year stint in Bolivia as a Peace Corps volunteer. She had plenty of amusing stories and I am amazed that she has been away from home for so long. I can't wait until Christmas and we can have our traditional Christmas morning (o.j. and a review of presents) between my family and hers. I also had dinner with my brother's new girlfriend! She is really nice and talented. I'm ready for them to get married...really. Oh well, I guess I will have to be patient. I want nieces and nephews, dammit! I also saw my goddaughter, Isabella, the sweetest little girl in Nashville (I am sure that her hugs and kisses have had no bearing on my feelings at all). I am ready to take on the last of my semester and graduate from school. I will have something more amusing to discuss tomorrow. 'Til then...

My name is Katie and I am addicted to cheesy '90s television

Well, I have had this blog for several months now and I feel like we know each other pretty well. I have shared numerous embarrassing habits and beliefs with ya'll and now I will reveal the most embarrassing of them all (I need to give Lydia props because she admitted her love of the early '80s sitcom Bosom Buddies). I love bad '90s television. Early, mid, late '90s - it doesn't matter I LOVE IT. Here is what is on the Tivo right now:

Major Dad
Beverly Hills, 90210
Grace Under Fire
Coach
Designing Women (this is a bit of a cheat as it appeared during the late '80s and early '90s)

I know what you may be thinking right now: "she has no taste in television." Well, I never claimed to have taste and anyone who has ever been in a room with me for longer than fifteen minutes will acknowledge that many of my tastes are lowbrow, i.e. Bud Light, Gross Out comedies, and cheesy music. Now that I have admitted this dark secret to you, what is your guilty pleasure?

Jake Gyllenhaal's Penis is my Muse

*Note: today's post is purely for the ladies or men who love men.*

Ladies, I just got home from watching Jarhead and let me encourage you to run, don't walk, to see this fine specimen of hot man ass. I'm talking full-frontal. Male, full-frontal. Nary a breast in sight, just naked men. I have always had a thing for men in combat boots and this movie did not disappoint. Before I went to see this movie, I didn't have much to write about, but I am just bursting with inspiration. Yum-my.

This brings me to a topic that Jenny suggested I mention: the double standard in movies concerning nudity. Boobs, boobs, and more boobs. Apparently, male movie stars only have butts and nothing in the front. Strategically placed plants, furniture and other props hide anything interesting to see in most movies. In all honesty, I have to admit that men are funny looking creatures, but I still think it is only fair to see just as much of men as we do of women. Truly, it is just a question of feminism...I swear. *wink,wink*

This surely puts into question the man sabbatical...must be strong...must hold out...

'Tis the Season?

I am not going to make the cliched statement that "Christmas seems to come sooner every year," but I have been seeing signs of the impending holidays. I did not have much holiday spirit last year partly because it was the first Christmas without my mom and I just wasn't feeling the whole "holiday thing."

Things are going to be different this year.

Thus, I have created a short list of Christmas Commandments (ahhh, a bit of a biblical theme if you will)

1. I will watch a minimum of 12 Christmas movies/specials - this should not be too difficult as I will be having my annual Christmas movie marathon - all are welcome to join me.
2. I will not succumb to my father's attempts to suck all of the Christmas spirit out of me.
2a. I will ignore his requests for either "nothing" or "Fig Newtons" for Christmas gifts.
2b. I will also ignore his repeated question "Don't you just hate Christmas?" as well as "Don't you just wish Christmas was already over?"
2c. I will insist on decorating the tree even thought it is a "waste of time" or "pointless."
3. I will actually appreciate the reason for the season and not obsess about finding the perfect gift for everyone. It really is the thought that counts (especially when you are this close to homeless).
4. I will be happy to be home and enjoy spending time with family.
5. Christmas is a magical time and I will remember this at all costs. Magical, I tell you!

Okay, enough commandments. I shall add to this list as I see necessary. So, do you love it or hate and are you own board with loving it this year? Come on...I know you have it in you.

I'm Back!!

That's right, give me a call tonight. I am in class right now so I will not be accepting calls at this time (the professor seems to get annoyed by this - whatever...), but I EXPECT people to call me tonight. Same number...Ahh, it is so good to be connected again!

His breath still smelled like icing

There he was...innocently sitting on the couch, watching a little Dr. Phil and clearly enjoying his afternoon. Then I saw the look. I have seen it so often I can spot it from forty paces, at least: guilt. Yep. Teddy ate my Halloween cupcake. I saved it from class and left it on my kitchen counter and damned if the little bugger didn't gobble it up. The cupcake wrapper was in pristine condition. He licked that mother clean and not a crumb was left behind to indicate that a cupcake had ever graced this house. For all of his faults, he certainly has a delicate touch. The paper wasn't even wripped. It looked as if he smoothed it out in an attempt to make it look neat. I'm surprised he didn't place it in the trash can as a curtesy to me. Hell, I could probably use it again.

I know, I know, you're saying to yourself, "Katie, haven't you learned by now?" My answer? Apparently, not. What I have to say in my defense is that he seems to be blessed with some sort of doggie super powers. The moment I leave the apartment he flies around and picks out all of the things he knows I value, need, or want and either destroys it or eats it.

Question to self: was the m-m's incident for naught?

Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy...

I lost my cell phone.

My life has ended.

I will never speak to any of you again.

I don't know your phone numbers.

I will be getting a new phone (same number) in two days so til then I will be cut off from everybody. This has already been tough. Make sure to give me a call later this week so I can get your number in the new phone.

Pray for my sanity. It is quickly fading. This has probably been the sh*ttiest September and October I have ever had. I am now waiting for locusts and frogs and the plagues will be complete.

I've tried to be patient...

But this morning I woke up to discover that my Tivo recorded The 700 Club. What!!!??? I have tried and tried to train my Tivo and apparently it is trying to help me find Jesus. I think the damn thing is testing me. Trying to bend me to its will. It's like having a missionary living in my house and witnessing to me on a daily basis. "Watch this, record this, love this." Okay, so maybe it isn't exactly telling me to do those things, but it feels like it. Jeez, Teddy wasn't this hard to housetrain. Mark my words, I will bend Tivo to my will.

Katie's Book Club

I love to read. Everyone who has even met me briefly knows this fact. I love to read new books and suggest books for other people to read and also to take the suggestions of friends and family. Although I am about three years behind the bandwagon on this one, I just finished a book that was excellent and I am trying to get other people to read it.

Alice Siebold's The Lovely Bones

It was fantastic, moving and I can't wait to read something that moves me like this book did. It is a difficult book to read. I don't mean that I struggled with the mechanics of the book, just the subject matter. For anyone that has lost someone close to them, I think you will find this book very comforting. I am sure several of you have already read this book, but if you haven't I highly recommend it.

Okay, with that said, I am now looking for another great read...so, got any suggestions?

(is it obvious I am going to be a librarian?)

The Goose is Back in Town

Oh, that's right. Lucy is back. The relief I feel right now is palpable. As expected, she is dressed for success. Since Halloween is around the corner, Lucy is dressed for the holiday. Her costume of choice is a Pumpkin. Hard to imagine, but bear with me:

Her body is covered in a pumpkin suit and her head is covered by a little pumpkin hat. Cute? Ummm, I can't actually express how cute it is. I am tempted to go out and buy a pumpkin of my own.

On a related note, are you doing anything special for All Hallowed's Eve?

Trust me, the book was better

Over the past couple of days I have seen several examples of how a book was ruined by a movie. One particular t.v. movie based on a book that I absolutely LOVED was awful. Why did they ruin it? It was so disappointing. Last weekend I saw the movie version of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and was thoroughly bummed. The guys looked like the products of incest (kind of like the children in the movie version of Children in the Attic). I understand that it is often difficult to translate books into movies, but the parts they changed were unnecessary. They attempted to dramatize parts of the book that just didn't need it. So this leads me to my question (and auxiliary question):

What is the worst movie based on a book you have seen?

What book would you like to be made into a movie?

The heroin of our generation

Well, I think there are two things that can be likened to highly addictive drugs: cable and cell phones. I just paid an enormous cell phone bill and the cable wasn't cheap either. Now, you people know I love some cable. I am not one to complain about the cost of cable as it provides me much happiness and fulfillment (judge me not), but sometimes you gotta say enough is enough! I pay a lot of money for cable and Charter Communications should treat me like a queen. Who do they actually treat me like? Some junkie that they know can't live without the smack their selling. Sad thing is: their right. Fine. I accept that, but...

The cell phone thing is a whole different thing. Cell phones make you stupid. Proven fact. I want you to take a moment and count how many phone numbers you know by heart. I am down to about six. Do you know what this means? You are in serious trouble if you get caught somewhere without ye ole' cell phone. Also, for those of you who don't answer numbers you don't recognize...remember that sometimes people have to call you from different numbers and if you don't answer the g.d. phone we might go insane. This has happened to me more times than I like to remember. Okay, so where was I? Cell phones are too expensive and the service sucks. Real phones are more reliable, but less convenient. I am seriously considering going back to the old days and getting one of those ancient phones lines that works from home. I could reduce my current number of minutes (it currently hovers around 1.5 million - yet it is still not enough) and reduce the amount of dinero I am shelling out every month. Of course, making any changes to my plan means that I will now be trapped into an extension of my current contract and it won't be up until 2015. Jesus, murderers get off with less time. I love my cell phone, but my cell phone doesn't love me. All I can say:

WTF

Update: For the past few weeks Lucy Goosey has been AWOL. At first there was a sign that said "out of town, be back soon!" Well, the sign is gone and I am starting to suspect foul (or should I say fowl?) play. I don't want to jump to conclusions...but the holidays are coming up and this is a notorious anti-bird time of year. Join with me in prayer...

Crap! Apparently I'm a "grown-up"

I had to shop for my very first suit today. Ugh. They are extremely uncomfortable and I find them too stuffy. It was almost as bad as having to buy my first training bra. I am the type of person that would wander around in my pajamas all day long. I would go to work, parties and church all in jammies if I could. Okay, so maybe I am not what you would call a "regular" attendee of services (try once a year for the big J.C.'s b-day) and I can actually go to work in clothes that resemble p.j.'s (if I'm running really late, sometimes they really are the ones I was wearing - ssshhh - don't tell). Parties or bars are the one place where I could not withstand the public ridicule. Everyone would point and stare if I walked in in footie pajamas, but they would also secretly be jealous. This world would be damn close to perfect if I could wear some sort of stretchy cotton pants and shirts (at least two sizes too big of course) at all times. I am in such a better mood when I look kinda homeless. Of course if this actually came about, no one would ever get laid. They would just be too fugly. Oh well, call me crazy...oh wait, that was the last post.

I'm crazy, but that's okay because so are you

Lesson of the day: Everybody has problems. Some of us are just a little more open about them than others. I just wanted to give a public thank you to several people who have listened to me bitch for the last several days. I think you know who you are and it means more to me than you will probably ever know. I figure I'm pretty lucky to have such supportive people around me. *applause, applause*

Moving on to the topic of the day...

There is one thing I have always told myself: everyone has their own quirks. Everyone faces challenges and problems. I have lost sight of that of late and I think this is why my life has been a bit turbulent (well, in addition to the cluster f*ck of stress I have had, but I digress). So that's what leads me to the title of my blog. Maybe you haven't expressed your problems to me, but I know you've got 'em. That's what I love about everyone. If I've unloaded on you in the past few days feel free to talk to me about your problems - the "doctor" is in...harhar

Who exactly does my Tivo think I am?

For those of you without Tivo I will fill you in on some interesting aspects of the service. Tivo will record programs that it thinks you will enjoy based on programs that you have watched in the past.

Well, my Tivo thinks I am a young African American female.

Every morning I wake up to find that Tivo has taped episodes of Moesha and The Parkers. Every morning. I erase these programs to make room for more programs and the next morning - guess what? Yep. More Moesha. Sometimes I will get a special bonus of spanish language soap operas and Becker. Apparently, Tivo thinks I am also boring. I bet my Tivo mocks me while I am asleep.

It could be worse

Jenny's Tivo thinks she is an elderly, amateur crime sleuth with a penchant for westerns. Her Tivo has taped episodes of Matlock, Murder She Wrote, and her absolute favorite program - Gunsmoke. Hey, every 26 year old female I know loves grainy westerns from the 50s and 60s. Tivo laughs at her too.

What will be on the Tivo next?

A Pippie Broke Into to My House!

Okay, so maybe that's not true, but it smells like it. Let me explain.

Several months ago I purchased several items from Drugstore.com and along with my new goodies, the store also sent along a complimentary bottle of scented surface cleaner. Wow, what a nice gesture. Huh. Yeah, right. The scent was Green Tea (I'm still on board at this point) and Patchouli (You just lost me). WTF. If this doesn't prove to you that Satan exists or that God has an ironic sense of humor I don't know what will. Well, to my great dismay and regret, I didn't throw the offending bottle into the trash -where it should be. I left it sitting on my living room side table and I have moved it out of my way regularly, but I haven't made the effort to throw it away. Last night I came home after having dinner and thought the ole' apartment smelled a little earthy. Nothing too strong, just a little "Widespread Panicesque." I took Teddy out for his walk and came back inside and noticed that there was something on his doggie bed (it was dim in the room). I leaned down and to my horror realized that Teddy had pulled the bottle down and chewed the top off of the bottle and allowed the Pippie Perfume to leak onto his bed. Damn. Patchouli just doesn't go away. That sh*t clings. I am under the sneaking suspicion that after this initial exsposure to Satan's Brew, Teddy may be turning into one of "them." Don't panic. I am going to have an intervention and take away his new bohemian shirt and his mini non-specific peace sign. It's not too late. He can be saved. A pox is upon me house...

Procrastination as a way of life

I am here to let everyone know that procrastination is not inherently bad, it just depends on how you go about your procrastinating. I prefer what I have termed "planned procrastination" (I also refer to this as "planned laziness"), which means that you put things off, but you also figure out when you will accomplish what you have avoided doing. This idea may fly in the face of prevailing beliefs, but I have proof that the method works. I have managed to get through numerous semesters employing my system. For those naysayers out there - yes, I have been in graduate school for a long time (previously tallied at 246 years), but that is b/c I am a glutton for punishment and not because I fail to do my work. Slow and steady wins the race, be-otches.

Lay on your couch.
Watch your t.v. or saved Tivo programs.
Ignore your work or homework.
Accomplish nothing (well, for a limited amount of time).

As Ben Stiller once said, "Do It." (Starsky and Hutch)

Just in case you don't believe me, there is an entire website devoted to the merits of procrastination located at - where else? www.procrastination.com

Are you watching this sh*t?

I have been watching "Breaking Bonaduce" for the past few weeks and this stuff is awes (see awesome- cut off the "ome"). This show is almost as good as a NASCAR race in the sense that you are physically and mentally unable to think badly of yourself. You have got to figure that this guy is pretty f*cked up and you don't do nearly the same kind of stuff he does.

Don't judge. I cling to anything that makes me feel better.

I'm a Genius!!

I got my Tivo to work through my home wireless internet (thanks to an initial setup using Jenny's phone line).

Well, it was nice knowing everyone. Don't worry if you haven't heard from me in a couple of months.


j/k -I think. I will be posting soon...maybe. Must watch Tivo. Must pause live television. It's too good. I'm getting a little misty.

So happy...

Uh, should we be worried?

Did Jesus come back and nobody told me? In recent days discussions of Hurricanes, Avian Flu, Earthquakes, and Karl Rove agreeing to testify without immunity, have made me believe that the apocalypse is upon us.

Dude, if this is true, I am in trouble.

See all previous posts to support this theory.

It reminds me of the bumper sticker "Jesus is coming. Look busy." I would not consider myself all that religious. I believe in God, but when it comes to specifics I am a little more iffy. Nothing like the threat of eternal damnation to get you walking the straight and narrow. Back in Catholic school the nuns always told us about St. Augustine and how he was this big sinner and then repented later in life. I've have always felt that this was a pretty good way to live. You know, party while you're young and then get serious later.

Crap, is it time to get serious?

Why do I care?

I ask myself this when I read reports of Nick and Jessica and a possible divorce. I am inordinantly worried about the state of their marriage and the marriages of other celebrities. Now it isn't all celebrities. When the news broke that Renee and Kenny broke up I wasn't all that shocked. I loved the cover of People magazine that asked "What Went Wrong?" on their cover. I'll tell you what went wrong:

You met in January.
Dated via Blackberry.
Married in May.
Lived separate lives all summer.
Duh.

Aside from the people I don't care about, I feel bad for these people who get married and divorced with such regularity. Maybe it's the romantic in me. Maybe it's the fact that the media and tabloid mags make you care by their constant surveillance.

Hi, my name is Katie, and I am a celebrity junkie. Help Me. Nevermind, it's too late. Save yourselves.

A girl crush?

After several recent conversations and remembering something that Jenny mentioned not too long ago, I would like to discuss a "girl-crush." Before you start judging me, I am not talking about anything romantic, but more of a new friend kind of thing. You know, you meet someone new and you think they are cool and you would like to be their friend. That's a girl crush. I guess guys might have something similar, but they won't even sit next to each other in a movie theater (BTW, what is up with that?) so it isn't really the same. I know I have had girl crushes. It's fun to meet new people that you think are really cool. I say you should enjoy it while it lasts because this person, in the event you actually become friends, will lose their charm. It is inevitable. That's why it is fun to have acquaintances as they think you are much cooler than you really are. Hope I haven't freaked anyone out. Am I totally alone here?

Hello, it is totally a definition in the urban dictionary:

girl crush
feelings of admiration and adoration which a girl has for another girl, without wanting to shag said girl. a nonsexual attraction, usually based on veneration at some level. More definitions

have you ever been...

Sitting in class or at work and you could just hop up and knock the taste out of someone's mouth? I know this sounds extreme and more than a little violent, but Good Lord! I'm not sure if it is library school or just our culture in general, but sometimes people act like such idiots and torture the rest of us normal people.

What exactly am I talking about? Well, it's a number of things, but I think it boils down to people not listening. Have you ever noticed how people just don't seem to listen anymore? For example, someone asks you for directions and you start to explain it to them and they start walking away nodding in that absent kind of way. Hey, I've done it before, but when I do it I don't expect the person to repeat themselves. This happens to me at work ALL THE TIME. Don't ask if you aren't willing to devote the entire minute and a half that it will take for me to fully explain what you want to know.

In relation to class, there are several people I have class with who are furiously taking notes and highlighting every g.d. word in the g.d. book and damned if they aren't tuning out exactly what they need to hear! Then the rest of the class have to suffer through their asinine questions that the professor has already explained or is just about to discuss. All of this happens when we are already running over class time and into MY time.

Listening is an art that a lot of people have lost. I know I could be a better listener and I implore the rest of you to be good listeners. If you know anyone who acts like the people I have described above, feel free to thump them on the head and mock them...I know I do.

Writer's Block

Honestly, I can't think of much to write about. Tomorrow is my birthday and I am feeling a bit "ho-hum" (that's for you Sarah M.). I had dinner and hung out with friends last night and that was nice. I had too much to drink and acted like an idiot - at least I was in the confines of my home (well most of the time aside from when we were in the restaraunt).

I will be 27. I feel like that is really old, but when I hear about other people being 27 I don't think their old. Strange. Lee, if you're reading this, I am sure you have already thought about all of the cheery little quips about my senior citizen status. Probably something along the lines of "you know, 27 is just a hop, skip, and a jump to 54!"

Enough of this...wah, wah, waaaaaaah... (think Debbie Downer)

so bad it's good

I love things that are soooooo bad their good. Movies, television shows, books, etc. What brings this on? Several nights ago I was up late (shocking!) and noticed that Twister was on. It had been several years since I had seen this movie gem. I remember seeing this movie with my friend Casey and thinking it was quite entertaining (note, I did not use the word "good"). The other night while watching it I noticed the obvious special effects, fake looking tornadoes, and the absolutely stunning dialogue between Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton. It kind of reminded me of the conversations that journalists have about the weather, but even worse. You know highly dramatic, overstating the obvious, and the usual clever quips in times of danger. After watching this I have created my top five "so bad their good" things:

1. Twister
2. Elvis and Me by Priscilla Presley - Virginia Woolf, she is not (still love the t.v. movie)
3. Southern accents in movies and television (exception is Kyra Sedgwick in The Closer on TNT)
4. Gigli - Yeah, I know, it's an obvious choice. If you haven't seen it run, don't walk to rent it.
5. Watching Carson Daly trying to interview anyone on his show. So painful, so awkward, so good.

Not exactly right, but close...

You are a Social Liberal (63% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (35% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

I like taking online quizzes. Some of the questions were a bit difficult to answer, but it is fairly accurate.

Good Deeds

I've been rather unhappy as of late and I am not sure how to cheer myself up. One idea I have had is doing good deeds. I'm not talking about earth shattering types of things, but just little stuff. For example, today I gave a girl a dollar because she didn't have enough money to get out the parking deck. Now, I know this is not really a big deal, but I am sure it made her life a little easier for the day. I have several friends who do nice things for other people without thinking about it and I want to be more like them. Maybe if I practice doing good things I will do it naturally. Hmm. Worth a thought.

Top Ten Things I Would Like to See Disappear from the Face of the Earth

(In no particular order - feel free to add your own)

1. The Pussycat Dolls and their song "Don't 'Cha."
- For obvious reasons these women need to vaporize. I also believe the song should be revamped to say "Don't 'cha wish your girlfriend was a slut like me."
2. Vin Diesel
- His truly terrible acting is taking quite a toll on this country. I am also pretty sure he is the reason that natural disasters and pestilence seem to be plaguing this world.
3. Size 0
- It just doesn't make any sense. By being a size zero it implies that the person wearing such a garment fails to exist.
4. Hummers
- It seems to be some sort of attempt for someone (I tend to think male) to prove how big their penis is. It's not working. Why exactly does one need a vehicle that the Army uses in warfare and for extremely rough terrain. The roughest place these people are taking their Penis Replacement is the Bass Pro Shop.
5. 24-hour News Networks
- All they do is make people obsess about bad sh*t even though life is bad enough. See my previous post as an example of my disdain.
6. Construction Zones where there is no construction
- No real need to explain this. It is absolutely infuriating. There is nothing wrong with the lane so why is the speed limit 13 mph?
7. France/the French
- I have never been a big fan. Historically (18th-21st centuries respectively) they are a wash out. Whiney. Sore Losers. Troublemakers. Snobby. And they definitely suffer from a major case of amnesia (WWII and Vietnam, anyone?). Plus, there food isn't all that good.
8. Pippies (thanks Katy C. - this has become a catchphrase)
- Patchouli, earth tones, mindless protest, etc. I am not against protest, per se, but you have to stand for something that means something. Standing on a street corner with a sign that says "Peace" means nothing. Peace where? when? why? Specify please.
9. Delivery Charges
- I am buying something from you and you dare charge me for the experience. Not gonna happen. From now on I say we all refrain from paying people to take even more of our money. WTF.
10. People who are on the extreme left or right of the political spectrum
- If they only knew how alike they really are...

Don't Pretend You Don't Love It

I have been watching CNN nonstop. For some reason I find their coverage of Hurricane Rita very interesting. The one thing that drives me nuts about all of the 24 hour news agencies is their incessant description of "worst case scenarios" and describing the results of the past few hurricanes as "The Wrath of (fill in your hurricane name here)". The title of the post refers to the fact that these reporters thrive on situations like these. They love it! Let me provide you with an example:
(sample, fictional, transcript of an "on the spot" reporter's view of the inclement weather):

Aaron Brown: Anderson? Are you still with us?
Anderson Cooper: Yes, Aaron I'm here (bracing himself in the wind, sometimes with his right hand over his ear)
**The following is what I imagine reporters would say if they weren't constrained by human decency and the FCC**
AB: The rain sure is coming down where you are
AC: No sh*t, Sherlock. Didn't you just see that sheet metal hit me upside the f*cking head?!
AB: Describe the conditions to the audience if you can

AC: Well, considering you are in a warm studio, basically the opposite of what you are experiencing. You have to wonder who would stay behind in this weather (aside from money grubbing CNN "journalists"). Right now we are feeling gusts of approximately 300+ mph. Might as well be in a wind tunnel. I am a dumbass for being in this kind of motherf*cking storm.
AB: I know, I wouldn't be caught dead in this storm. Which executive's wife did you screw to get this sh*tty detail?
AC: I'm not sure, but someone wants me dead.
AB: Farewell, Anderson, Farewell.

--Just my imagination. I would pay money to see this actually happen on t.v.

Motherf*cker

I love this word. I know it's crude, unbecoming, unladylike, inaccurate (in most cases), obscene, etc. Although I know this, I love to say this word. Not in front of small children, the elderly, or easily offended, but I enjoy using it in a variety of ways. Sometimes I sandwich it between other words (stupid motherf*cking jackass) or just as a plain expletive (Motherf*cker!), as a question (what the f*ck, motherf*cker?), and my personal favorite as an observation of something bad or to express awe (motherf*cker. You must say this slowly and with a lot of emphasis). For any0ne who has been around me, you know that I curse like a sailor on shore leave. I'm not exactly proud of this quality (again I ask myself - why hasn't some guy snapped me up yet?) nor am I particularly ashamed of it. I don't curse in professional or school settings and I actually do know how to speak properly, but I find that "motherf*cker" is a versatile word. I realize that my father would be proud of this post and my mom must be rolling at this moment. Oh well. I must admit that neither of my parents use(d) this word, I don't exactly come from a curse free home...

Do you have a favorite curse word? Something you say when you are frustrated?

Check out various definitions and uses of this word

p.s. why the asterik for the "u"? - can't explain it. I love to say it, but don't like to see it in print. Same with sh*t.

I've said it before, but...

I've become my father.

A Case of WTF. I have had a moment of being my father this evening. I wanted Tivo and since I don't have a land line I can't get it. Extreme sadness ensued, but I decided to try and get similar service through the ole' cable company. I called Charter tonight and asked them about getting DVR and they said that they would be "happy" to arrange that and I said "great!" Renting the DVR every month would cost $9.99/month and the service is $6.99/month. Since I figured this would be a temporary thing ('til I actually have money and a land line) I was okay with paying an extra $17 per month. Then the lady told me there would be a "trip" charge for delivering the DVR which would set me back $26 buckaroos. I was like "um, what?" She said that it was a standard charge and I told her that with the DVR service I would be paying over $100 a month and they wanted me to pay for bringing the DVR to my house so that I could increase my bill????!!! Whatever. I told her that I wouldn't pay it. It was like charging someone to deposit money in their own account and that it was a deal breaker. She said she would talk to her supervisor and try to see what could be done. I waited awhile and she came back on the line to tell me that I would indeed have to pay the fee. I told her no thanks. I will do without before I will allow this "travshamockery" to take place. Do they not realize that they would have recouped their "trip" charge within two months of my service??? Now I am not going to get their stupid DVR for the sheer principle. In the not too distant past I would have sucked it up and paid the fee, but it is ridiculous to pay for something that literally costs them nothing. I would have waited until they had to come to my side of town to do repairs or some such nonsense to get my recorder - oh, but no - they are going to enforce some dumbass delivery fee. Ahhhh, Ken G. would be proud!

Magical Powers

Today, I told Jenny I had magical powers. I was clearly kidding, but I was just patting myself on the back for being able to do something difficult. She informed me that if I did have magical powers that she could not be my friend anymore. Don't worry, she doesn't have some weird thing about the occult, she just wants to have magical powers. I believe she has said numerous times that if she finds out there are really Muggles in this world and she is part of that group she "will be sooooo pissed." Scan back to the post I did concerning graduate school and your ideal job, I believe she mentioned that she would like to be a magician (you know, the real kind, like Harry Potter). Anyhoo, long explanation but I would like to know, if you could have a magical power what would it be? After the car accident I have wished several times this week that I could go back in time and kick my own ass (and not take an ill advised ride). Upon further review I think I would rather be able to turn all delicious food into calorie free fare and make the time spent working out seem like it goes by in split second.

I want you to think about it and get back to the blog. Come on, be clever!

Update

Sorry for not posting for the past several days. To make an extremely long and painful story short, Jenny, Sara, and I were in a car accident on Sunday morning and I have been in Nashville recuperating. I'm fine, just banged up and sore, no need to worry. I will post more interesting things in the coming week, but I didn't want to leave anyone hanging. Check back soon!

Well!

Over the past several days (closing in on weeks), I have been staying up quite late - note the time on the post - and it is amazing what one can do with their time during the wee hours of the morn. Part of my problem is I have On Demand cable and can watch most programs when I want and am never lacking for quality programming. When I am surfing around on the computer I click on the button you will find at the top of this page that allows you to browse through other blogs. There are all sorts of people out there and many of them have decided to share their thoughts, feelings, interests, and idiosyncrasies with the world. My emotions while perusing such sites range from amused, angry, appalled, perplexed, confused, and sadness. There are a lot of really unhappy people out there. Hmmm. I hope when people stumble across my blog they are amused or confused. I'm not really going for much beyond that.

Promoting insanity to sell products

I have several mottos in life such as:
1.) Don't buy food from Big Lots - I love their deals on name brand stuff, but discounted food scares me
2.) When choosing between Wal-Mart and Target, Target always wins
3.) Beer before liquor - never sicker, liquor before beer - in the clear
4.) Don't trust a lawyer with the last name Hustler (I saw the commercial, it exists)
5.) Never shop at stores where the owner is promoted as being mentally unstable, which brings me to the subject of this post:

Why do people use the adjectives "crazy" or "insane" in an attempt to sell you stuff? Crazy Bill's Fireworks? ugh-uh. I am not buying any dangerous, flammable materials from a man who is so open about his insanity. While in Bristol, Jenny and I came across a place of business called "Crazy Cooters Auto Repair." I will not be frequenting this place for two reasons: the crazy part and also a new addition to the motto list - don't buy things from one named "Cooter." I decided to do a nationwide yellow pages search to investigate how often people use this selling technique. Here were my results:

Over 2,000 results including
- Crazy Jane's, Crazy Bill's, Crazy Dave's, Crazy Bucks, Crazy Jay's, and my personal favorite Crazy Dick's

now using the word "insane"
- Only one by name (Insane Irving's), but 64 results overall

finally using the word "looney"
- over 200 results, several of which were the names of lawyers -no comment on that

Just a little something for you to think about :)

Lucy update

This week Lucy Goosey is sporting a lovely outfit. She has a blue and white ruffled dress, red beret, and a couple of school books at her side. The sign next to her says "school days." Too cute. Sorry I didn't report last week, but she spent a couple of days naked (shocking!). One outfit she did have on was an Auburn football jersey and helmet - a bit of crossdressing, but we're an open-minded type of neighborhood.

As far as I can tell, Teddy is doing fine and back to getting into mischief. I'm glad. I prefer that over watching him in pain. I made a promise to God that I would never bring m&m's into the house again if Teddy would get better. So I guess I will only get to eat them at locations away from home. I will have to make sure all of my chocolate is put away as he has obviously developed quite taste for the stuff. Can't blame him 'cause it's quite tasty.

By the way, since I haven't figured out how to do links I did want ya'll to check out this blog. I think it is cute.

I'm Exhausted

Today started out okay, but it was sh*t by the end. Teddy ate a bag of those new mega m&m's and he got really sick and I had to take him to the vet. His heartbeat was all over the place and they gave him medicine to make him throw-up and then gave him more to make him stop and then they gave him something to soothe his stomach. All of these were shots and he was pretty excited to get out of the vet. I got him home and within 30 minutes he was in pain and couldn't get comfortable and kept howling and was really miserable. I brought him back to the vet to figure out what was wrong and they couldn't pin point it, but they think it was all of the shots they gave him and they may have hit a nerve. They gave him a painkiller and he is sacked out right now. If I wasn't so freaked I could reflect on the humor of my stoned dog trying to walk around the apartment. Now I am a basket case and will probably get very little sleep tonight and I am heading to school tomorrow and I am afraid it is something worse with Teddy and the painkiller is only masking the real problem. Ahhhhh! He's my little buddy and I just don't know what I would do without him. :( :( :(

what to do with the toothbrush?

(Some of this post pertains to an inside joke, so I will fill you in: there is a cable television network called Trio. They play random programs and a lot of it refers to pop culture. Every once in a while they play a documentary entitled "Texas Teen Virgins." No, this is not a porn film, it is review of the Texas policy of teaching only abstinence in school and other people who are encouraging kids to remain chaste. There was one minister who compared virginity to a toothbrush in a box and how when a person has sex it is like they have become a used toothbrush (ick). A person is able to claim a second virginity by putting the toothbrush back in the box. Jenny and I decided that there must be a St. Toothbrush and this is how that phrase came about.)

I am on a man sabbatical.

I have been on said sabbatical since late April. I declared the summer of 2005 drama free and that meant avoiding entanglements with guys. Apparently my plan is starting to backfire. Jenny and I hang out a lot. We always joke that it would be easier if we were lesbians, but unfortunately, we're attracted to men. Oh well. Several people have interpreted our hanging out a lot to us being gay. Well, namely me. Last week at the race, I was wearing a camo NAPA hat and apparently this is the international gay bat signal. Great. Last night I was at Jenny's new apartment and one of the people doing construction on the apartment above her asked me to tell Jenny something and said "aren't you Jenny's sister?" I told him no and he said "Well, are you Jenny's (hand motion from side to side) you know?" I said "I'm her friend." Good Lord. Apparently I have moved from the sabbatical to the front row of a Melissa Etheridge concert. The toothbrush needs to get out of the box. I'm starting to feel like this. Nothing rash, but maybe I need to reenter the romance department. Hmmm. Anyone have suggestions? Toothbrush in box or somewhat out?

Patchouli is not deodorant

FYI, for anyone suffering under this delusion. I have become ultra sensitive to the scent combination of patchouli and body odor. Certain people who shall remain nameless (starts with an "h", ends with an "e" and sounds like "pippie") have been using this "fragrance" as a shower substitute for years. I remember as a teenager I used to love the smell of patchouli, but as I got older it became clear to me that this scent is being abused. Truly it's not patchouli's fault. I just don't know where its misuse came from. Sorry to rant, but I think this is something worth mentioning. Say it with me class, "Patchouli bad, soap good"

(Don't I sound like a grumpy 70 year-old?)

Dear Lord, I have become my father.

No laughing matter

I usually post about things I think are funny or make observations about weird stuff that happens to me, but I just couldn't today. My cable and internet access have been out for days since the storm and I kept hoping it would come back on so I could watch the news and see new developments. Well, the cable and internet are back and I now realize that it may have been better when I didn't have the ability to see what was happening. It is extremely scary to see what is happening less than four hours away (or used to be that short of a drive) and how desperate the situation has become and how it continues to deteriorate. Aside from my immediate family, most of my relatives live in various cities in Louisiana. They are located in Slidell, Baton Rouge, Monroe, Natchitoches, and surrounding smaller towns and I can only imagine what is happening. It seems a bit apocolyptic. I'm not all that spiritual, but I will be concentrating prayers their way and I hope ya'll keep them in your thoughts.

On another related note, I find the dichotomy of human behavior in this situation fascinating and horrifying. People are gathering together to help evacuees and provide essentials to them and provide aid in various ways. People are also looting, firing at air ambulances, shooting police officers and jacking up prices on water, food, and gas. It is good to see people offering help out of the kindness of their hearts, but that observation is tempered by the other side of human nature. I hope that the good in people overcomes the bad. Okay, enough depressing thoughts for now.

I think God has a serious problem with Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida

As a resident of one of the states listed above I have noticed that our area of the country has been targeted by a great deal of inclement weather. I have lived in Alabama for about eight years and until a year ago we never really dealt with hurricanes or tropical storms. You got the occasional tornado, but nothing too severe. After reviewing storm evidence over the past year I have decided that we (the residents of the southeast) have done several things to piss the Big Man off. I know this seems to be alluding to an Old Testament type vengefulness, but the facts are irrefutable...I think the end of these storms will be when states below Tennessee are transformed into a glorified flood plain. Maybe I should be looking for library jobs in the north?

On another note, I have started school again. As some of you know I have been in graduate school for 246 years (approximately) and am apparently never graduating. I am the definition of a professional student. I am supposed to be looking for a real job, but the whole process seems extremely daunting. It is a necessary process, though, as I imagine I will receive very few job offers while sitting on my couch in my apartment. It could happen, but I will refrain from holding my breath. Have no fear I will figure something out. BTW, Peyton, if you are reading this you need to send me my revamped resume so I can see what kind of magic you weaved (I assume you avoided outright lies, right?)

Just out of curiosity I shall pose a question: What is your current job (you can be vague) and what job would you rather have (if you want something different from what you have)?

a little red on the neck, but otherwise fine...

Bristol was awesome! This is the first time I have been to a track other than Talladega and it was an overall fun time. Jenny and I had an interesting experience in one of the campgrounds on Friday night and suffice it to say that we were hit on by some very unattractive people. I can take comfort in the numerous compliments I received including, but not limited to, "nice teeth" "pretty face" "great rack" (and my personal favorite) "you know, I'm not the settlin' down type, but I could be with you for a good ten years." Needless to say my confidence level is through the roof. I think it is impossible to feel bad about yourself at a NASCAR race b/c you see such a variety of people such as:

classic redneck: (male) mullet, shirtless (if wearing a shirt, something from a hunting or racing variety or something describing their prowess with the ladies), denim shorts, hat with their driver number, 16 o.z. + beer w/ coozy, farmer's tan, cigarette,
(female) crinkly permed hair, dyed blonde with at least an inch of roots, Dale Jr. or Jeff Gordon tank top (a bit too tight, but ready for flashing), denim shorts, swarthy complexion from sun.

New to NASCAR fan: (male or female) shoes that are inappropriate for walking in mud (well, you hope its mud) i.e., high heels, loafers; a spankin' new driver shirt, bottled water, general look of confusion and/or awe/disgust at the general festivities.

Future groupies: this strictly female variety of race fan has enough makeup to supply a fleet of saturday night hookers (approximately), hair in a cute ponytail, mini skirt, ample cleavage in a tight driver shirt (usually someone like Dale Jr) and a general look that says something like "I will do anything or anyone to get my claws into __________(fill in with whatever driver)."

These are just a few examples of the people one will encounter at a typical race. Who's up for the next one?

Bristol, Baby!

Yep. As many of you know I am a big ole' redneck in one particular area...NASCAR. Jenny and I are hopping in the car tomorrow and heading to the track and much beer drinking and general carousing shall commence. I can't wait! We have sweet tickets, hospitality passes, an opportunity to meet Michael Waltrip (one of the last times as a driver for Dale Earnhardt, Inc.), pit tours, etc. Its a bit of a trek, but worth it. If you have never been to a race, don't knock it 'til you've tried it. (Sarah M. - as a fan of fairs it seems that you would like this as there are many similarities between the two). Everytime I tell people that I am a NASCAR fan they have two responses: laughter and the insistence that they never would have guessed I would be into that kind of stuff. I don't take it personally. I laugh at that homo-erotic sport called football (what else would you call a bunch of dudes chasing each other around a big field in tight pants?), but that is because I really don't know much about the game so it doesn't mean anything to me. I know NASCAR and that's why I like it. I'll report back with the nefarious details of the trip and aforementioned carousing...

An ode to Miss G. (roommate at the beach)

It was brought to my attention that I overlooked mentioning my partner in crime while at the beach. It was an oversight of enormous proportions and I have decided to compose a poem.

Ah-hem (clearing my throat)

It was a warp speed drive
It took 3 hours instead of five
I drank and drank and until I puked and groaned
She drank and drank and overused her phone (close to rhyming)
We found a pumpkin costume as big as a boat
We planned how we could use it as a float
Waffle House was the last meal
Then Sara had to return to the 'Ham (just couldn't make the last part work, sorry)

Tah-dah! I write horrible poetry and I promise never to do it again...

Ms. Lucy Goosey (Loosey Goosey?)

I have been saving this topic for a few weeks, but I think that it is time to introduce everyone to Lucy Goosey. Lucy is a clay goose that is on the front porch of one of the apartments a few doors down from me. She is no ordinary goose. She has personality. She has a wardrobe. She has style and panache. Overall, Lucy is the hippest goose in town. Let me explain:

There is a little old lady who lives in the apartment and every week she dresses Lucy in a new outfit. In the five weeks I have lived at this apartment Lucy has been dressed in the following outfits:
-Chef: red gingham with a white apron and chef's hat with an accompanying sign asking "what's cookin' good lookin'"
-Superman: close your eyes and picture Superman, now imagine if Superman was a goose and you've got it. The sign next to it stated "It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No, It's Superman!" (Jenny did point out that, in fact, Lucy is a goose and as such is a bird, but that is neither here nor there).
-Braves Baseball Player: it had on the uniform complete with attached bat and ball and a tiny baseball hat. It had a pennant on a post in the ground and a smiley/frowny face that depended on whether or not the Braves won or lost.
-Hot Air Balloonist: this one is a little more complicated, but it consisted of a dress made of a hot air balloon print, a tiny hat with a hot air balloon pasted on it. It also had a foot high hot air balloon hanging on a hook next to her.
-Rainbow Dress: pretty self explanatory, a bit of a formal week if you ask me.
-Cowgirl: A fringe suede dress and small horse on a stick and little cowboy hat. The best yet!

In addition to the weekly costumes:
Sundays: Lucy wears a dress. She is apparently a weekly worshiper. Denomination unknown at this time.
Rainy Days and Nights: Lucy wears a pink raincoat.
During American Idol: It was dressed as Bo Bice.

Ya'll I am not making this stuff up! I don't have that kind of imagination. I have decided to include a weekly costume update, so get excited! I love old people!

P.S. once I learn how to post pictures and Jenny gets her camera charged I'll provide proof of Lucy's existence....

It's Hard to Be Perfect

I find myself saying that phrase a lot lately. I'll be bitching about something or someone and then I'll say to myself or whoever is around "you know, it's just so hard to be perfect." Clearly, this is sarcasm at its most extreme. I know this is something I need to work on, I guess everyone does. I think most people think their way is the right way...I know I do. That is something I am really bad about. I wonder how to improve this about myself. Maybe I will try to be more open-minded about such issues? Hmmm. Something to think about.

On other areas that are in need of improvement:
-lack of general organization
-failure to look far enough in the future (i.e. looking for gainful employment post graduate school)
-health and wellness (i.e. not eating and drinking like crap)

Well enough of this. Hey it could be worse, I guess. There are way more f*cked up people than me out there...see, it IS hard to be perfect!

slightly tan and a million less brain cells

I got back from the beach last night and was pretty tired. I actually went to bed before midnight last night. I had a good time, but like any vacation I was glad to get home. I shall give ya'll a quick run down of the week:

Monday: drank far too much and had to go to bed early...such a party foul.
Tuesday: Went to the beach drank a lot, but not way too much (this is a delicate distinction, but important).
Wednesday: Spent all day at the beach, drank a lot, got locked out of the condo, had the "802 incident."
Thursday: Had some Waffle House - a beach essential - sat under an umbrella and drank a lot. Later that evening witnessed Peyton dancing quite animatedly to "Baby Got Back." Truly one of the best beach memories. Actually, one of the best memories, beach or not.
Friday: Stayed in bed and read a book while waiting for Jamie and Peyton to return from the outlet mall. I find that shopping without money is seriously very little fun. Returned to B'ham that night.

Well, that's it in a nutshell. I am experiencing a bit of sun withdrawal but I am glad to get home to watch my cable. Hope everyone had a good week as well. Talk to you soon.

802

Have you ever been stuck somewhere without a bathroom after drinking approximately 1,000 beers? Well, that happened today after I was locked out of a condo for several hours and I was forced to break into another condo to pee. Hopefully they will not be angry. It was an emergency. I did notice that they had beer in their fridge, but Peyton and Jamie got back in time to prevent theft of said adult beverages. I am now hanging out in our condo after my shower and desperately waiting for dinner. Sooooooo hungry. I just wanted to give ya'll an update on the beach trip. I will post something else soon.

Brown Fat vs. White Fat

I am heading to the beach in a few days and I am excited about the trip for a number of reasons. Beer drinking, no work, seeing old friends...and...tanning myself. I know I gave Sarah M. a hard time about doing the old fake n' bake, but I totally plan on tanning while at the beach. As I don't go to the beach very often, I don't feel bad about getting some sun. This brings me to the title. Girls, ya'll know that brown fat looks better than translucent, pale fat. This is part of my reason for tanning. I like how it looks. Now, I am not talking about the overly tanned, slightly leather look, but a smooth golden glow. I like to take my time getting my brown look. I use SPF 30 all over and SPF 50 on my face. This makes for the best sunscreen combination for my complexion. I am naturally fairly pale, but if I take my time tanning with sunscreen I will get a tan and not a burn. It is a careful process, requiring repeated applications of sunscreen (which is more difficult than you would think as the beer drinking goes on), but it is worth it. I know I should think pale skin is beautiful - I do, you know, the porcelain kind - but I've got the blotchy look going and must combat this look at any chance I get. I will let ya'll know how the tan works out next week. I plan on posting before then, but if I don't get a chance - tah-tah for now kiddos!

Productivity

Since I am on the clock at work I figured now would be an excellent time to do a little blogging. Those of you who are familiar you with my job will recognize that it is almost essential to do other things aside from "work" to maintain your sanity. It makes me wonder how much actual work people do while they are officially getting paid. Most everyone I know is usually engaged in other activities while they are on the job. It seems, upon further review, that the traditional 40 hour work week could be wittled down to an efficient 5-10 hours. Just think how productive you would be if you knew after those short hours of work you would be able to leave work and accomplish other things. I have a job that has no real long-range goal and it is difficult to think how all my work could be crammed into under 10 hours, but that is okay b/c it is your typical dead end job. Someday, when I grow up (whenever that may be), I'm sure my career will have more purpose. For now, I must be satisfied with tolerating disatisfied customers and underachieving coworkers. Good times. Happy weekend everyone and try not to think about the upcoming 40 hours next week.

The "First Waver" Theory

I alluded to the "first waver" theory in an earlier post and I have decided to share with you all this important information. I am a first waver. Let me give you an example: in all disaster movies (Armageddon, Deep Impact, War of the Worlds, The Day After Tomorrow) there are the first waves of people that meet a variety of unfortunate ends. The first meteor strike that hints that a more serious problem is coming would take me out. Aliens attack? Yep, I'm a goner. The world freezes? You guessed it, not gonna make it past the first few hours. Let me be clear: I am not a survivor. I don't really want to be. I don't camp, I find life without cable, air conditioning, and beer to be depressing and almost impossible to fathom. The idea of being part of a select few who eked out a living to survive the disaster and are now forced to rebuild civilization does not appeal to me. Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Dakota Fanning, and Dennis Quaid can have it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not as morbid as this post indicates. I don't really think the world is going to be attacked by aliens disguised as lightning or destroyed by a gargantuan meteorite headed straight for New York, but just in case I've accepted my fate. So what are you: Survivor or First Waver?

Mission: Successful!

Everyone should be excited to hear that I have returned safely from Nashville with the cooler. I think my father was slightly hurt when he figured out I was not really home for a visit, but a glorified beer run. I'm not sure how he caught on, but it may have been my jumping up and down with glee in response to seeing my long lost friend (the beer cooler, of course) and my eagerness to wash it out and get it ready for the trip. He commented that I am not usually so quick to wash anything else in that house...oh well, so my priorities are different from most.

I also came back with a malted milk ball cake. It is delicious and from a local diner that my father and brother frequent. The lady who owns it knows that it is my favorite kind of cake and she gave me a whole one when I was in there yesterday. I think she is trying to make sure I won't be able to fit through the door next time I am in town. Who cares? It is a magnificent cake. Speaking of desserts I finally tried something I have been curious about for years: fried twinkies. I was strangely intrigued by this confection and it was delicious. Good thing I only know of one place to get it.

That's all for now. BTW, I wonder if I should try out the beer cooler and see if it still works properly? I would hate to take a faulty beverage container to the beach. Better safe than sorry.

U-haul, Nashville, and beer coolers

I am heading to Nashville tomorrow for a quick jaunt to the homeland. I am only staying one night because I have to be at work at 4:45 a.m. on Thursday and the chances of me getting that shift filled are about as slim as you would imagine. As for my post title? U-haul sucks. All I got to say. As of right now (before I or my father have a long heart to heart with this awful company) I was charged approximately $500 to move myself from way far away Tuscaloosa to B'ham.

On another subject, you may ask yourself "why is she driving six hours for one night?" The answer: a beer cooler. Last summer Jenny and I went to the beach and she purchased the sweetest beer cooler ever, but it has been at my house for the past year. Yep, I'm not going to see the fam, friends or much else, just a soft beer cooler. This is no ordinary drink transporter. It can hold about a case of beer and a couple of bottles of water, plenty of ice, and it has a flap in the top so one does not have to open the entire thing to retrieve an adult beverage. Perfection. As I am heading to the beach next week it shall come in handy for sure. mmmm-mmmm.

Storm Dreams

As of late I have had several dreams about storms. Not your usual, run of the mill rainstorms, but tornadoes, lightning, massive winds, etc. I think part of this was inspired by the movie War of the Worlds and my "first waver" theory (I am sure this will come up in a future post, no need to discuss here). Imagine to my utmost fear on Friday when Birmingham experienced one of the strongest summer thunderstorms that I have ever had the pleasure of driving in. Jenny was with me and it started hailing and we were at a light at the Summit. I assumed that death was just around the corner (ever the positive thinker) and started blathering on about tornadoes. Jenny just laughed, but that's okay b/c God got her back and she stepped in a big puddle once I dropped her off at the restaurant. The reason I am going on and on about this is my fear that my dreams will come true. I just had a lightning storm dream last night and it rains everyday here. Can't help but feel like something's coming. I think the remedy to this situation is never to watch anymore disaster movies, but this won't happen. I guess I will keep you posted on the dreams and if we happen to be hanging out and the weather looks iffy you might consider keeping your distance

The First Post

Why did I name my blog "You Are Here?" Well, on most maps in public places there is a little icon that says :You Are Here. Wouldn't you love some sort of message in your own life? I decided that since I was unsure of where I am in life, that this was the best name. Anyone who has talked with me in the last few months knows that I wanted to start a blog, but was unsure of the name. I finally thought of it and that is how this blog came to be at 1:00 a.m. Hope you like my random thoughts. It should be interesting.