I think God has a serious problem with Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida

As a resident of one of the states listed above I have noticed that our area of the country has been targeted by a great deal of inclement weather. I have lived in Alabama for about eight years and until a year ago we never really dealt with hurricanes or tropical storms. You got the occasional tornado, but nothing too severe. After reviewing storm evidence over the past year I have decided that we (the residents of the southeast) have done several things to piss the Big Man off. I know this seems to be alluding to an Old Testament type vengefulness, but the facts are irrefutable...I think the end of these storms will be when states below Tennessee are transformed into a glorified flood plain. Maybe I should be looking for library jobs in the north?

On another note, I have started school again. As some of you know I have been in graduate school for 246 years (approximately) and am apparently never graduating. I am the definition of a professional student. I am supposed to be looking for a real job, but the whole process seems extremely daunting. It is a necessary process, though, as I imagine I will receive very few job offers while sitting on my couch in my apartment. It could happen, but I will refrain from holding my breath. Have no fear I will figure something out. BTW, Peyton, if you are reading this you need to send me my revamped resume so I can see what kind of magic you weaved (I assume you avoided outright lies, right?)

Just out of curiosity I shall pose a question: What is your current job (you can be vague) and what job would you rather have (if you want something different from what you have)?

a little red on the neck, but otherwise fine...

Bristol was awesome! This is the first time I have been to a track other than Talladega and it was an overall fun time. Jenny and I had an interesting experience in one of the campgrounds on Friday night and suffice it to say that we were hit on by some very unattractive people. I can take comfort in the numerous compliments I received including, but not limited to, "nice teeth" "pretty face" "great rack" (and my personal favorite) "you know, I'm not the settlin' down type, but I could be with you for a good ten years." Needless to say my confidence level is through the roof. I think it is impossible to feel bad about yourself at a NASCAR race b/c you see such a variety of people such as:

classic redneck: (male) mullet, shirtless (if wearing a shirt, something from a hunting or racing variety or something describing their prowess with the ladies), denim shorts, hat with their driver number, 16 o.z. + beer w/ coozy, farmer's tan, cigarette,
(female) crinkly permed hair, dyed blonde with at least an inch of roots, Dale Jr. or Jeff Gordon tank top (a bit too tight, but ready for flashing), denim shorts, swarthy complexion from sun.

New to NASCAR fan: (male or female) shoes that are inappropriate for walking in mud (well, you hope its mud) i.e., high heels, loafers; a spankin' new driver shirt, bottled water, general look of confusion and/or awe/disgust at the general festivities.

Future groupies: this strictly female variety of race fan has enough makeup to supply a fleet of saturday night hookers (approximately), hair in a cute ponytail, mini skirt, ample cleavage in a tight driver shirt (usually someone like Dale Jr) and a general look that says something like "I will do anything or anyone to get my claws into __________(fill in with whatever driver)."

These are just a few examples of the people one will encounter at a typical race. Who's up for the next one?

Bristol, Baby!

Yep. As many of you know I am a big ole' redneck in one particular area...NASCAR. Jenny and I are hopping in the car tomorrow and heading to the track and much beer drinking and general carousing shall commence. I can't wait! We have sweet tickets, hospitality passes, an opportunity to meet Michael Waltrip (one of the last times as a driver for Dale Earnhardt, Inc.), pit tours, etc. Its a bit of a trek, but worth it. If you have never been to a race, don't knock it 'til you've tried it. (Sarah M. - as a fan of fairs it seems that you would like this as there are many similarities between the two). Everytime I tell people that I am a NASCAR fan they have two responses: laughter and the insistence that they never would have guessed I would be into that kind of stuff. I don't take it personally. I laugh at that homo-erotic sport called football (what else would you call a bunch of dudes chasing each other around a big field in tight pants?), but that is because I really don't know much about the game so it doesn't mean anything to me. I know NASCAR and that's why I like it. I'll report back with the nefarious details of the trip and aforementioned carousing...

An ode to Miss G. (roommate at the beach)

It was brought to my attention that I overlooked mentioning my partner in crime while at the beach. It was an oversight of enormous proportions and I have decided to compose a poem.

Ah-hem (clearing my throat)

It was a warp speed drive
It took 3 hours instead of five
I drank and drank and until I puked and groaned
She drank and drank and overused her phone (close to rhyming)
We found a pumpkin costume as big as a boat
We planned how we could use it as a float
Waffle House was the last meal
Then Sara had to return to the 'Ham (just couldn't make the last part work, sorry)

Tah-dah! I write horrible poetry and I promise never to do it again...

Ms. Lucy Goosey (Loosey Goosey?)

I have been saving this topic for a few weeks, but I think that it is time to introduce everyone to Lucy Goosey. Lucy is a clay goose that is on the front porch of one of the apartments a few doors down from me. She is no ordinary goose. She has personality. She has a wardrobe. She has style and panache. Overall, Lucy is the hippest goose in town. Let me explain:

There is a little old lady who lives in the apartment and every week she dresses Lucy in a new outfit. In the five weeks I have lived at this apartment Lucy has been dressed in the following outfits:
-Chef: red gingham with a white apron and chef's hat with an accompanying sign asking "what's cookin' good lookin'"
-Superman: close your eyes and picture Superman, now imagine if Superman was a goose and you've got it. The sign next to it stated "It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No, It's Superman!" (Jenny did point out that, in fact, Lucy is a goose and as such is a bird, but that is neither here nor there).
-Braves Baseball Player: it had on the uniform complete with attached bat and ball and a tiny baseball hat. It had a pennant on a post in the ground and a smiley/frowny face that depended on whether or not the Braves won or lost.
-Hot Air Balloonist: this one is a little more complicated, but it consisted of a dress made of a hot air balloon print, a tiny hat with a hot air balloon pasted on it. It also had a foot high hot air balloon hanging on a hook next to her.
-Rainbow Dress: pretty self explanatory, a bit of a formal week if you ask me.
-Cowgirl: A fringe suede dress and small horse on a stick and little cowboy hat. The best yet!

In addition to the weekly costumes:
Sundays: Lucy wears a dress. She is apparently a weekly worshiper. Denomination unknown at this time.
Rainy Days and Nights: Lucy wears a pink raincoat.
During American Idol: It was dressed as Bo Bice.

Ya'll I am not making this stuff up! I don't have that kind of imagination. I have decided to include a weekly costume update, so get excited! I love old people!

P.S. once I learn how to post pictures and Jenny gets her camera charged I'll provide proof of Lucy's existence....

It's Hard to Be Perfect

I find myself saying that phrase a lot lately. I'll be bitching about something or someone and then I'll say to myself or whoever is around "you know, it's just so hard to be perfect." Clearly, this is sarcasm at its most extreme. I know this is something I need to work on, I guess everyone does. I think most people think their way is the right way...I know I do. That is something I am really bad about. I wonder how to improve this about myself. Maybe I will try to be more open-minded about such issues? Hmmm. Something to think about.

On other areas that are in need of improvement:
-lack of general organization
-failure to look far enough in the future (i.e. looking for gainful employment post graduate school)
-health and wellness (i.e. not eating and drinking like crap)

Well enough of this. Hey it could be worse, I guess. There are way more f*cked up people than me out there...see, it IS hard to be perfect!

slightly tan and a million less brain cells

I got back from the beach last night and was pretty tired. I actually went to bed before midnight last night. I had a good time, but like any vacation I was glad to get home. I shall give ya'll a quick run down of the week:

Monday: drank far too much and had to go to bed early...such a party foul.
Tuesday: Went to the beach drank a lot, but not way too much (this is a delicate distinction, but important).
Wednesday: Spent all day at the beach, drank a lot, got locked out of the condo, had the "802 incident."
Thursday: Had some Waffle House - a beach essential - sat under an umbrella and drank a lot. Later that evening witnessed Peyton dancing quite animatedly to "Baby Got Back." Truly one of the best beach memories. Actually, one of the best memories, beach or not.
Friday: Stayed in bed and read a book while waiting for Jamie and Peyton to return from the outlet mall. I find that shopping without money is seriously very little fun. Returned to B'ham that night.

Well, that's it in a nutshell. I am experiencing a bit of sun withdrawal but I am glad to get home to watch my cable. Hope everyone had a good week as well. Talk to you soon.

802

Have you ever been stuck somewhere without a bathroom after drinking approximately 1,000 beers? Well, that happened today after I was locked out of a condo for several hours and I was forced to break into another condo to pee. Hopefully they will not be angry. It was an emergency. I did notice that they had beer in their fridge, but Peyton and Jamie got back in time to prevent theft of said adult beverages. I am now hanging out in our condo after my shower and desperately waiting for dinner. Sooooooo hungry. I just wanted to give ya'll an update on the beach trip. I will post something else soon.

Brown Fat vs. White Fat

I am heading to the beach in a few days and I am excited about the trip for a number of reasons. Beer drinking, no work, seeing old friends...and...tanning myself. I know I gave Sarah M. a hard time about doing the old fake n' bake, but I totally plan on tanning while at the beach. As I don't go to the beach very often, I don't feel bad about getting some sun. This brings me to the title. Girls, ya'll know that brown fat looks better than translucent, pale fat. This is part of my reason for tanning. I like how it looks. Now, I am not talking about the overly tanned, slightly leather look, but a smooth golden glow. I like to take my time getting my brown look. I use SPF 30 all over and SPF 50 on my face. This makes for the best sunscreen combination for my complexion. I am naturally fairly pale, but if I take my time tanning with sunscreen I will get a tan and not a burn. It is a careful process, requiring repeated applications of sunscreen (which is more difficult than you would think as the beer drinking goes on), but it is worth it. I know I should think pale skin is beautiful - I do, you know, the porcelain kind - but I've got the blotchy look going and must combat this look at any chance I get. I will let ya'll know how the tan works out next week. I plan on posting before then, but if I don't get a chance - tah-tah for now kiddos!

Productivity

Since I am on the clock at work I figured now would be an excellent time to do a little blogging. Those of you who are familiar you with my job will recognize that it is almost essential to do other things aside from "work" to maintain your sanity. It makes me wonder how much actual work people do while they are officially getting paid. Most everyone I know is usually engaged in other activities while they are on the job. It seems, upon further review, that the traditional 40 hour work week could be wittled down to an efficient 5-10 hours. Just think how productive you would be if you knew after those short hours of work you would be able to leave work and accomplish other things. I have a job that has no real long-range goal and it is difficult to think how all my work could be crammed into under 10 hours, but that is okay b/c it is your typical dead end job. Someday, when I grow up (whenever that may be), I'm sure my career will have more purpose. For now, I must be satisfied with tolerating disatisfied customers and underachieving coworkers. Good times. Happy weekend everyone and try not to think about the upcoming 40 hours next week.

The "First Waver" Theory

I alluded to the "first waver" theory in an earlier post and I have decided to share with you all this important information. I am a first waver. Let me give you an example: in all disaster movies (Armageddon, Deep Impact, War of the Worlds, The Day After Tomorrow) there are the first waves of people that meet a variety of unfortunate ends. The first meteor strike that hints that a more serious problem is coming would take me out. Aliens attack? Yep, I'm a goner. The world freezes? You guessed it, not gonna make it past the first few hours. Let me be clear: I am not a survivor. I don't really want to be. I don't camp, I find life without cable, air conditioning, and beer to be depressing and almost impossible to fathom. The idea of being part of a select few who eked out a living to survive the disaster and are now forced to rebuild civilization does not appeal to me. Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Dakota Fanning, and Dennis Quaid can have it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not as morbid as this post indicates. I don't really think the world is going to be attacked by aliens disguised as lightning or destroyed by a gargantuan meteorite headed straight for New York, but just in case I've accepted my fate. So what are you: Survivor or First Waver?

Mission: Successful!

Everyone should be excited to hear that I have returned safely from Nashville with the cooler. I think my father was slightly hurt when he figured out I was not really home for a visit, but a glorified beer run. I'm not sure how he caught on, but it may have been my jumping up and down with glee in response to seeing my long lost friend (the beer cooler, of course) and my eagerness to wash it out and get it ready for the trip. He commented that I am not usually so quick to wash anything else in that house...oh well, so my priorities are different from most.

I also came back with a malted milk ball cake. It is delicious and from a local diner that my father and brother frequent. The lady who owns it knows that it is my favorite kind of cake and she gave me a whole one when I was in there yesterday. I think she is trying to make sure I won't be able to fit through the door next time I am in town. Who cares? It is a magnificent cake. Speaking of desserts I finally tried something I have been curious about for years: fried twinkies. I was strangely intrigued by this confection and it was delicious. Good thing I only know of one place to get it.

That's all for now. BTW, I wonder if I should try out the beer cooler and see if it still works properly? I would hate to take a faulty beverage container to the beach. Better safe than sorry.

U-haul, Nashville, and beer coolers

I am heading to Nashville tomorrow for a quick jaunt to the homeland. I am only staying one night because I have to be at work at 4:45 a.m. on Thursday and the chances of me getting that shift filled are about as slim as you would imagine. As for my post title? U-haul sucks. All I got to say. As of right now (before I or my father have a long heart to heart with this awful company) I was charged approximately $500 to move myself from way far away Tuscaloosa to B'ham.

On another subject, you may ask yourself "why is she driving six hours for one night?" The answer: a beer cooler. Last summer Jenny and I went to the beach and she purchased the sweetest beer cooler ever, but it has been at my house for the past year. Yep, I'm not going to see the fam, friends or much else, just a soft beer cooler. This is no ordinary drink transporter. It can hold about a case of beer and a couple of bottles of water, plenty of ice, and it has a flap in the top so one does not have to open the entire thing to retrieve an adult beverage. Perfection. As I am heading to the beach next week it shall come in handy for sure. mmmm-mmmm.

Storm Dreams

As of late I have had several dreams about storms. Not your usual, run of the mill rainstorms, but tornadoes, lightning, massive winds, etc. I think part of this was inspired by the movie War of the Worlds and my "first waver" theory (I am sure this will come up in a future post, no need to discuss here). Imagine to my utmost fear on Friday when Birmingham experienced one of the strongest summer thunderstorms that I have ever had the pleasure of driving in. Jenny was with me and it started hailing and we were at a light at the Summit. I assumed that death was just around the corner (ever the positive thinker) and started blathering on about tornadoes. Jenny just laughed, but that's okay b/c God got her back and she stepped in a big puddle once I dropped her off at the restaurant. The reason I am going on and on about this is my fear that my dreams will come true. I just had a lightning storm dream last night and it rains everyday here. Can't help but feel like something's coming. I think the remedy to this situation is never to watch anymore disaster movies, but this won't happen. I guess I will keep you posted on the dreams and if we happen to be hanging out and the weather looks iffy you might consider keeping your distance

The First Post

Why did I name my blog "You Are Here?" Well, on most maps in public places there is a little icon that says :You Are Here. Wouldn't you love some sort of message in your own life? I decided that since I was unsure of where I am in life, that this was the best name. Anyone who has talked with me in the last few months knows that I wanted to start a blog, but was unsure of the name. I finally thought of it and that is how this blog came to be at 1:00 a.m. Hope you like my random thoughts. It should be interesting.