She's gone too far this time

It's Teddy again. I know I haven't posted in a while and that is because I am really lazy in the summers and things have been fairly uneventful...until this past weekend.

I got a haircut

A home haircut

That bitch practically used a flowbee to cut my beautiful hair. It was not that I didn't need a cut and curl, but she could have loosened the purse strings and sprung for a f*ckin' pro. Let me set the scene for you:

It was a lovely Sunday afternoon where the scalding temperature of a mid-July day hit around 143 degrees. The humdity hovered around 99.9% and luckily I was placed in the middle of the sun on a rusty old patio table. It get's worse. They turn on this metal torture machine that kept making scary noises and they cut on my hair with no rhyme or reason. The shaver wasn't even for animals. It was for (gasp) HUMAN hair. They shaved me everywhere...yes, even there. I lost ten pounds during the ordeal and practically passed out from heat stroke. She's trying to kill me, people. She won't be happy until I have no hair, weigh three pounds and look like some homeless dog. She better sleep lightly. This will not go unpunished.