My troubles are over

Everyone can rest assured that they don't need to worry about me anymore. All of my problems have been taken care of. What happened, you ask? Well, yesterday I checked my mail and low and behold I had a wonderful letter in the mail that said that I had just received the gift of Jesus (apparently, He travels through the post office these days - next stop email). Who can resist that message? I pulled everything out of the envelope and there was this extremely creepy picture of (what I assume) was their version of the Jesus. On the bottom of this large piece of paper (approximately the size of one of those posters a tween can get in the latest copy of Tiger Beat) it said "Christian Prayer Rug." On the back it instructed me to kneel on this rug - or if I couldn't kneel - touch the paper to both knees and all my prayers would be answered. Also included were testimonials from two women. One of these most pious of women had won $46,000 and the other was "healed" (from what it never said). My reaction? I'm IN! I'm just gonna get down on my knees and squeeze myself on my new paper rug and make a big ole' wish. The letter also implored me to share this important message with my friends...so, get excited...a prayer rug may be coming your way...