Christmas Update #3

Hi Everybody! This is your regular Christmas Check-up. How is everyone coming in their quest to find the holiday spirit? Mine is going quite well. I am maintaining my current level of cheer and raising the bar a tiny bit everyday. I expect the same out of you. Happy Christmas' don't just create themselves. You have to work at it. I want to hear details on everyone's progress. Here's a little story on how my grinch (my dad) almost stole Christmas this year:

I don't get up early as a rule. I have tried to fight this natural instinct and it just ain't working. My family knows this and so do most of my friends. Anyhoo, moving on, I got up to take Teddy for his morning constitutional yesterday (Sat.) at 7:45 because he IS an early riser and his personal needs take precedence, especially if I don't want him to pee inside. As a habit, I usually check my phone when I get up for this quick jaunt outside to see if anyone has called in the night or early in the morning. Most of the times they haven't, and it was no different yesterday. I go back to sleep and finally get my lazy ass out of bed around 11. I check my phone and there is a missed phone call at 8:22 from my brother. I figure something must be up b/c he knows I would be asleep. I call and see what he wanted and it turns out my dad was trying to get him to agree to going ahead and picking out a tree and cutting it down before I got home and the call was to see if I would MIND (btw, we have friends who own a Christmas tree farm and they are letting us pick and cut down our own tree this year - something I have been looking forward to for months). My brother and his girlfriend tried to tell my dad that I would probably mind and they finally talked him out of cutting it down. Good thing. If I had come home and found a Christmas tree already up and decorated (dad's other plan for yesterday) I would have burned that motherf*cker down. period. Good thing for my bro and his girl or I would have been super irritated at dear old dad. Christmas is still intact. Not to worry.

Girls Suck.

Yeah, I know, I'm a girl, but I just wish I could get it together.

What am I talking about?

Not to get too specific (to spare my pride) I just seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. With men, with friends, with everything. I vow to do better, but I just don't. Ugh. What's wrong with me? Oh well. This is why the whole man sabbatical started. Well, here's the big announcement: Man Sabbatical 2005 is officially over. This doesn't mean that I have acted on anything, but people, I've got needs. Here is how 2006 is going to differ from 2005:

-I am going to take better care of myself
-I am going to open myself up to new things
-I am going to put myself out there (hush, you people with dirty minds) I mean I am going to finally act on feelings that I have instead of wishing they would go away
-I am going to seriously LOOK and FIND a REAL job

Here's the catch: When I say that 2006 will differ from 2005 I mean that this will take place as of January 1st. No sooner. I need a break and self improvement can be a drag. After my last exam (Wednesday) I am ON A BREAK. Plus, I've got plans for ringing in the new year.

That's for another post.

two things

1. Why is it that everytime someone goes to a strip club on t.v. the women are wearing something closer to a bikini than their birthday suit. I understand that you can't just show anything on television and that baring certain things is prohibited, but I always think the characters on the t.v. show are just going to crappy strip clubs. Hell, if I'm going to go to some sleazy strip joint there better be somethin' nekkid.

2. I just saw one of the Victoria's Secret Christmas commercials and this brings me to another observation. They (the models) are wandering the streets in tiny little lingerie. People, it's cold out there (in most places around the country) and these women need to put on some jackets or at least a scarf. Also, I love how the people the models pass on the street just look at them like it is normal for amazon-like women to prance around the street in a negligee.

Oh well. Only in America.

Who are we kidding?

Back to an oldie, but goodie...

When I am watching QVC and I see the various the stuff they are peddling, I think to myself "who actually thinks this looks good?" For example, the selection of jewelry is, for lack of a better word...stunning. Not the good kind of stunning. More like: "Good Lord! Apparently Tammy Faye Bakker has come out with her on line of craptacular accessories!" Another thing is the fact that QVC likes to sell things like Diamonique or Platinum-like things. It's fine, if you want to sell fake diamonds, but do they have to look like this? Why not something a little smaller and less Liberace-like...

I have an assignment for everyone: You must spend a couple of minutes today looking at the QVC website. Absolutely Breathtaking!

Observation

Is this not the most pointless endeavor? For those of you who are still in the midst of the fall/winter combo, leaves are everywhere. I find myself watching several landscapers, homeowners, and generally random people wielding the most pointless invention ever: the leaf blower. You just blow the damn things around and that is it. I drove by a guy blowing leaves off of an office park grounds and into the street. I drove by and the wind from my car blew the leaves back onto the grass. Again, he blew the leaves back into the road and once again another car came along and undid all of his pointless work. After a careful assessment I have decided to provide anyone contemplating a leaf blower purchase reasons not to do so:

1. They are just a big broken vacumn cleaner
2. They are horrible for your hearing
3. All they do is blow leaves onto someone else's property
4. They are stupid
5. I mock anyone who owns one or hires anyone to wield such an awful excuse for lawn equipment.

So what have we learned today, class?

here it is, people

The countdown to graduation. For the past few months I have been dreading the last of my college career and the work that would accompany it, but I have really been finishing up a lot of my work (that has turned out to be more busy work than anything) and it occurs to me it is like a lot of other things in my life. I wish that things would come quickly, but when they get here I wish things would slow down.

Don't get me wrong. I want to graduate, but there is a lot that goes along with that.

Is it just me, or were you under the impression (either in high school or early college) that you would magically "know" what you wanted to do when you were done with school?

If someone is reading this and has not graduated from college, I've got some truths for you to swallow:

-You will never "know" when you officially grow up, somehow it just happens
-College does not guarantee that you will be on a career path
*This is the most important*
-Things will work out.

Wisdom from Madame Katie.

Feelin' Social

Taking a page from SGM, I am going to have some guest contributors:

Me: Here we are hanging at my little 'ole apartment and I have several friends over. Beer, Tivo, a bad movie (Melinda and Melinda - whoever said this was a good movie was wrong), and discussing Friendster. I am turning this over to my next guest:

RJ: Well, I'm a big V. This is my first time 'blogging.' Katie assured me it wouldn't hurt, but not to be scared if there's a little blood afterwards. It's natural. Anyways, Katie promised us some Harold and Kumar but she couldn't deliver. It's sort of sad because I was all excited for some hot NPH action, but I guess I'll have to settle for Cartmen, Kyle, Stan and Kenny. So it goes. Well, this wasn't as unpleasant as I feared it might be--plus it only lasted a couple minutes. Later!

SOD (o my!): Katie is a merciless taskmistress. With her, it's just output, with no regard for our well-being. Tonight is good fun, but it pales in comparison to the last outing between Katie and RJ, an all-girls "slumber party" that apparently involved copious quantities of alcohol and partial nudity. Of course, now that there are two members of the male persuasion here, tonight has taken a turn towards the wholesome. Phooey.

JAH: This is what happens when the sober people go first. They say funny and clever things, and then the drunk folks are left to follow with incoherent comments. So, I will spare you all. I am not particulary funny or particularly witty, so I will simply say, in the words of the infamous Parker Posey, "lick me all of you." Just kidding...wouldn't want to be offensive. Peace and love.

ROACH: First of all I have to piss. Like a rachehorse. Moving on, I like to lick yet I think that my friends wouldn't appreciate it for some reason. Maybe it's because I have some sort of ooze dripping forth from my mouth, but that is beside the point. I am the last to go and I have found that this is the position that is the most difficult to perform in. All of the pressure is on you and there is nothing that I can say that will compete with the things that all of these creative people haven't already said. Well hell...I just pissed my pants and I don't think that any of these people realize it yet. It isn't the first time that I've pissed myself as an adult, but I am not proud of that fact. I am just stating fact. Sometimes you just can't control your bladder and you get adult diapers. Thank God for Depends. If it weren't for them then Katie's chair, that is indeed fabric, would be soaked in all of my wetness. So much for having to piss. I think I have shared enough for the next two years, but something is telling me that I will still be sharing more in the near future.

And here it is. These are my friends and I am proud of them. Hope this provided some entertainment. Peace out, M*therf*ckers!

The Hand of God

Well, here it is. Today, I was at my dead end job and I felt the presence of God and he said something akin to "what the hell are you doing?!"

A little background to set the scene. I am terribly afraid of finishing my last semester in school and officially becoming an "adult" (whatever that means). I applied and interviewed for a job and didn't get it. Fine. I have had to tell several people that "no, I did not get the job, but thanks for inquiring." Nothing boosts the ego quite like this, let me tell you. I have not applied anywhere since, despite good intentions. I'm not really sure why, I guess I am just lacking any sort of motivation. So sue me. Now we come to the hand of God.

I found myself at my usual post. I was sitting working on a paper due for class when I was informed that I was expected to make some nametags for an upcoming holiday party. Now, don't get me wrong, you people know I love anything related to the holidays, but this was ridiculous. They (I shall not name names) wanted me to cut out xeroxed copies of a cheap pencil drawing that was oversized, poorly drawn, cheap, and tacky. I cut and pasted these little ugly squares of tastelessness to posterboard and could practically feel myself not living up to my potential. I have made quite a career of not fulfilling expectations, but this was just plain wrong. I am about to have two Masters degrees and I am a glorified kindergartener? Sh*t I was never good at pasting things when I was little and my talents certainly haven't gotten better since. Was this a message from God? Was he trying to convey his utmost disappointment and horror that I am wasting any sort of knowledge on frustrating menial tasks? ugh.

Where did it go so wrong?

The King

I have noticed that several of my last posts have been a bit negative so I have decided to dedicate several future posts to the topic of things I love.

Today's topic: Elvis Presley a.k.a. "The King of Rock n' Roll"

Things I love about Elvis: He was a southerner, great singer, awesome songs, cheesy movies, hot sex (at least between 1953-1971). Mmm-mmm good. I love watching Elvis and Me (tv movie from the late 80s that depicted his life with Priscilla) when it comes on Lifetime or CMT close to his birthday or the date of his death. I know an awful lot about him and he joins a short list of people that I am absolutely FASCINATED by. He was a complex, flawed, generous, caring, conflicted, successful, and talented person - to name a few qualities. I also think I relate to him because he struggled with his weight in his 30s and 40s. He died tragically and has continued to garner fans close to 30 years after his death.

Another movie review...

I saw Walk the Line this weekend and it was great! Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon were awesome and their singing was quite good. I highly recommend this movie to anyone, you don't even have to be a big Johnny Cash fan. It's just a good story. On a related note, I would like to discuss something that this movie made me ponder:

Bad Boys.

Why do we (girls, women, old women, gay men...) love bad boys? Johnny was a bad boy for many years of his life and I gotta say it was a little sexy (maybe not when he was strung out on uppers, but you get my drift). I have always found someone with a little dark side to be quite attractive. Why can't I like nice guys? Why can't you? I think nice guys are overlooked during their 20s and highly sought after in their 30s and 40s. Should I start looking for a nice guy now and settle for nice and not sparks? Hmmm. It is something to think about.

In my heart, I knew it was coming...

As you all have heard, Nick and Jessica are over. I'll admit I'm bummed. I knew that it was going to happen, but I really wanted to believe they would be happy together. I predicted this in the first season of Newlyweds, but I didn't want to see it come to fruition. It's a sad day, my friends (shall we all bow our heads?).
I have already aknowledged that I have an obsession with some celebrities' lives and I take things kind of personally. I know I need to learn to accept the decisions these people make with their own lives, but still...

Farewell, Nick.
Adieu, Jessica.
It will never be the same.

I CAN READ

This is what I feel like shouting to several professors and other people who believe in reading to you. For example, one professor loves to do PowerPoint and then read the slides to you for HOURS. It drives me insane. I have been in school for 246 years and I am quite capable of reading for myself. As Jenny is fond of saying, PowerPoint is a license to be boring. My fellow students are also guilty of reading to people who can do it on their own. Another thing that gets on my nerves is a student droning on and on for 20-30 minutes when the presentation was supposed to last 5-10 minutes at the most. Brevity is a virtue that many people have lost. It is literally like torture to me. Ugh. Sometimes I picture myself piping up in the middle of class with something like "Shut up! Just shut the F*ck up! If you don't shut up, I will kill you. I will torture you like you are torturing me! Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

Ahhh, I feel better already!

Update: Christmas 2005

This is my update for how I am getting prepared for the Christmas season. Thanks to everyone for encouraging my goal for the year.

Here are the Christmas things I have watched on t.v.
1. Major Dad (charming and cheesy sitcom from the early '90s) - a "very special episode" that includes the necessary magic of Christmas and renewed belief in Santa.
2. Beverly Hills, 90210 - (no need for explanation, right?) Episode from season four, the first year "the gang" was in college. Lots of good cheer and happiness. A must see, not the best 90210 Christmas episode, but cute.
3. QVC - I love watching this stuff. They are always talking about Christmas and are decorated for the holidays beginning in September. Super Christmas-y!

Other things I have done to get me in the mood for the holidays:
1. I wear Christmas socks almost every day
2. I wear my Christmas underwear several times a week (I have a lot to pick from)
3. I bought the tackiest, most fabulous Christmas tree (it kind of looks like this picture, but it's red!) for my apartment.
4. I bought an extremely tacky collection of Christmas ornaments to go with my fabulous tree. I will take a picture once it's decorated.
5. I made spiked hot apple cider. Mmmm-mmmm.

What have you done about getting in the mood? If you haven't done anything, you better get going!

Late? Selfish Little Sh*t.

I hate being late.

Late for appointments. Late for work. Late for class. Just plain late.

I was at work today and stuck there for 30 EXTRA minutes because some b*tch didn't leave her house in time to get to work on time. Dammit. I like being early for work so that I am able to take my time and not rush around. I like getting to class early so that I can take care of anything that needs to be accomplished before class. It is selfish and most people who are late tend to do it a lot. Why is it that you can consistently be late, but cannot consistently make an effort to get someplace on time. I think it shows a lack of respect for others and it drives me up the freakin' wall.

So admit it...are you on time or late? Different point of view from mine? Anyone want to play devil's advocate?

The Quacker Factory

After admitting to my love of bad '90s television, I feel like I can admit to just about anything. I like to watch QVC for hours on end during the holiday season. I think it is because it portrays life as you sometimes idealize it. You know, a cheerful fire in the fireplace, perfect Christmas decorations, and pretty gifts that "mom" or "grandma" would just love! Anyhoo, I am getting off of my topic for the day. There is one show that I love the most on this wonderful network. It is called The Quacker Factory and it is a fabulous example of cheesiness and what one can achieve with the Bedazzler. Jeanne Bice is the creator of these incredible clothes that include all of the sweaters that your second grade teacher used to wear for the various holidays of the year. People call in and say things like "quack, quack, Jeanne! I just LOVE your clothes! They're precious! I own all six!"
Examples of her fashion creations (credit to the QVC website - for those of you who are looking for the perfect Christmas gift this year):

A little something for Halloween or for Fall?
or
Teachers?
or
Just damn T-A-C-K-Y?

People, she calls herself the Head Quack. You gotta love it...

Scummy

This is my new catch-all descriptor for boys. I realize it is a generalization and not all boys are scummy, but the majority are and that is a fact of life.

How have I come to this conclusion?

-Although guys and girls are initially attracted to overall appearance and hotness level (don't lie, you know it's true - so don't try that "eyes" or "smile" bullsh*t), girls will usually become more attracted or less attracted based on personality. This is not true for guys - the girl can be an uber bitch, but uber hot and guys will put up with just about anything.
-Don't even get me started on the whole sex thing. I know girls do it too, but it is still more of a guy thing to sleep with anything that moves. And girls are the sluts? whatever.

Thoughts? Am I just being bitter or truthful? Both? (Honestly, I'd probably admit to both)

Viva Nashvegas!

I have just returned from the land of country music, family, and friends! Sorry I haven't updated in several days, but I have been busy seeing old friends and being lazy. Lee, my friend who has commented on this blog several times, just got back from her 3 1/2 year stint in Bolivia as a Peace Corps volunteer. She had plenty of amusing stories and I am amazed that she has been away from home for so long. I can't wait until Christmas and we can have our traditional Christmas morning (o.j. and a review of presents) between my family and hers. I also had dinner with my brother's new girlfriend! She is really nice and talented. I'm ready for them to get married...really. Oh well, I guess I will have to be patient. I want nieces and nephews, dammit! I also saw my goddaughter, Isabella, the sweetest little girl in Nashville (I am sure that her hugs and kisses have had no bearing on my feelings at all). I am ready to take on the last of my semester and graduate from school. I will have something more amusing to discuss tomorrow. 'Til then...

My name is Katie and I am addicted to cheesy '90s television

Well, I have had this blog for several months now and I feel like we know each other pretty well. I have shared numerous embarrassing habits and beliefs with ya'll and now I will reveal the most embarrassing of them all (I need to give Lydia props because she admitted her love of the early '80s sitcom Bosom Buddies). I love bad '90s television. Early, mid, late '90s - it doesn't matter I LOVE IT. Here is what is on the Tivo right now:

Major Dad
Beverly Hills, 90210
Grace Under Fire
Coach
Designing Women (this is a bit of a cheat as it appeared during the late '80s and early '90s)

I know what you may be thinking right now: "she has no taste in television." Well, I never claimed to have taste and anyone who has ever been in a room with me for longer than fifteen minutes will acknowledge that many of my tastes are lowbrow, i.e. Bud Light, Gross Out comedies, and cheesy music. Now that I have admitted this dark secret to you, what is your guilty pleasure?

Jake Gyllenhaal's Penis is my Muse

*Note: today's post is purely for the ladies or men who love men.*

Ladies, I just got home from watching Jarhead and let me encourage you to run, don't walk, to see this fine specimen of hot man ass. I'm talking full-frontal. Male, full-frontal. Nary a breast in sight, just naked men. I have always had a thing for men in combat boots and this movie did not disappoint. Before I went to see this movie, I didn't have much to write about, but I am just bursting with inspiration. Yum-my.

This brings me to a topic that Jenny suggested I mention: the double standard in movies concerning nudity. Boobs, boobs, and more boobs. Apparently, male movie stars only have butts and nothing in the front. Strategically placed plants, furniture and other props hide anything interesting to see in most movies. In all honesty, I have to admit that men are funny looking creatures, but I still think it is only fair to see just as much of men as we do of women. Truly, it is just a question of feminism...I swear. *wink,wink*

This surely puts into question the man sabbatical...must be strong...must hold out...

'Tis the Season?

I am not going to make the cliched statement that "Christmas seems to come sooner every year," but I have been seeing signs of the impending holidays. I did not have much holiday spirit last year partly because it was the first Christmas without my mom and I just wasn't feeling the whole "holiday thing."

Things are going to be different this year.

Thus, I have created a short list of Christmas Commandments (ahhh, a bit of a biblical theme if you will)

1. I will watch a minimum of 12 Christmas movies/specials - this should not be too difficult as I will be having my annual Christmas movie marathon - all are welcome to join me.
2. I will not succumb to my father's attempts to suck all of the Christmas spirit out of me.
2a. I will ignore his requests for either "nothing" or "Fig Newtons" for Christmas gifts.
2b. I will also ignore his repeated question "Don't you just hate Christmas?" as well as "Don't you just wish Christmas was already over?"
2c. I will insist on decorating the tree even thought it is a "waste of time" or "pointless."
3. I will actually appreciate the reason for the season and not obsess about finding the perfect gift for everyone. It really is the thought that counts (especially when you are this close to homeless).
4. I will be happy to be home and enjoy spending time with family.
5. Christmas is a magical time and I will remember this at all costs. Magical, I tell you!

Okay, enough commandments. I shall add to this list as I see necessary. So, do you love it or hate and are you own board with loving it this year? Come on...I know you have it in you.