I may have lost my Christmas spirit.

(to preface - this post is not meant to offend anyone or make them feel bad, it's just me venting)

Truly. I just talked to my brother on the phone to find out what he and his wife are doing for the holidays and it looks like they will be out of town to visit her family. This is disasterous! Here's my deep, dark secret about Christmas: Christmas Eve and Day are usually days that I cry and I am miserable. Weird, huh? It's because my father is scrooge - which I am sure I have mentioned before - and we bicker incessantly on the day before and the day of the major holiday (not to mention all the days I am home in general). I love Christmas in theory. I love it all the way until we get to the finish line and then...and then...and then I hate it. So here's the problem: without my brother or anyone else at the house it will just be my dad and I. My brother and his wife are the buffers. It used to be my mom, but she's gone now and dad is so negative about the holidays it is hard work trying to stay in the mood. Now I won't have my buffer and it will truly be a depressing time. It's not like I resent my sister-in-law for wanting to go home. She has had to travel on Christmas for the past several years and this would mean she could already be there to celebrate with her family like everyone else. It's also not like Chris hasn't been lashed to the house for the past ten years (and as she pointed out over the phone that they don't see my dad at least EVERY OTHER DAY). I get it. I would want to go home too. It just sucks for me. I feel so selfish. Although if they can go to visit her family I would encourage it. Someone should have a nice Christmas. People - it's just a hop skip and a jump to Christmas by myself.

I've seen the future and it doesn't look pretty.